rest in peace, #9

[I wrote this post earlier this week after the death of a young girl from my hometown. At first I didn't publish it because it's quite raw and I just didn't feel ready to share it but I decided to go ahead because maybe someone is feeling the same way I am and needs someone to relate to. ]

When I don't know how to make sense of the things in my head, the things in my heart, the world around me, etc my only place to escape to is my blog or more specifically, the way I escape is to write. For the past couple of years writing has been my way to organize my thoughts and my feelings and with each letter I type I dig deeper and deeper to get into my soul and not only express what is really going on within it but to determine what is going on within it. Sometimes I don't even know how I am truly feeling about something until I am writing about it and because of this, writing has been the most beautiful therapy for me.

So why am I writing today? Because my heart is broken and confused and I have no idea what to make of the way I feel. I knew I wouldn't be able to sort through the way I feel until I sat down and started typing so here I am. Last night there was a tragic accident in my close-knit hometown of Grand Manan. A beautiful life was taken way too soon and it has slapped me hard across the face and has had an emotional ripple effect across this island. She was someone I knew, but not someone I was close to and yet my heart breaks and my stomach lurches every couple of minutes as I remember what has happened.

My heart is big and my soul is deep - I am a woman of total emotional chaos and these things are most likely to be credited for the way I feel today and why someone like me, who is not directly affected, is heartbroken over this tragedy. Yet my experience is not unique - everyone I know, even my best friend who is thousands of miles away, is feeling this immense, inexplicable aching after her death.

An amazing young woman was taken from this earth and all I feel in the air is the sorrow and hurt surrounding my hometown. All I see are sad eyes everywhere I go, people trying to keep it together and trying to figure out how something like this can happen so unfairly. I feel the magnitude of this loss as I scroll through my facebook. My pain is not pain for myself but pain for the literal hundreds of people who's lives will never be the same because of this accident. My hurt is a paper cut in comparison to those who's lives were touched by her existance. I cry for a life stolen from someone with so much potential and I struggle because there is absolutely no sense to make of any of it.

My first instinct, although an emotional person, is to be logical about this accident. Death is inevitable and accidents happen every day, everywhere to people just as undeserving. Yet I know so many are wondering how this is fair, where is good and where is God, right now? The truth is that good exists and bad exists and how the good and the bad in this world manifests is not up to us - bad things will happen, tragedy is inevitable and we will be left to deal with it whether it is what we believe is fair or not.

After a lot of reflection I have chosen to console myself (because it is the really only person I have the control to console) by telling myself this : what I can control, when it comes to good and bad, is only how I let it manifest within myself. I can't control whether something good or bad happens to me but i can control what good and bad I put into the world. I can choose to live a life that is generous and bright like Danielles. We can choose to make better decisions, love as hard as we can and we can choose to live and celebrate every single moment of life because it is the most precious gift and it is not one without an expiry date.

If we live our lives with intention, love hard, live big and share that love and joy with everyone around us then we are doing something right, just like she did. When it is our time - which eventually, sooner or later, it will be, if we can be proud of the life we lead then there is something to be said for that. From what I know, the life that was lost last night was a FULL, amazing, loving life. She touched so many people and was such a blessing to this world and that is why there is so much hurt and pain right now. But in this tragedy there is a life to be celebrated, a wonderful, beautiful life and although that will never take away the pain that so many are feeling, there is a little bit of good to takewith the bad.

In times like these I feel an immense connection to my island. As I leave I feel a pull back to it, which if you know me you know is something I rarely feel. Although I choose to not live my life on Grand Manan there is something unique and special about a place so close knit and I am proud to be a part of a community that pulls together and holds each other tight during awful accidents like this. It is hard to explain to people why I am hurting so much when they know that I didn't have a relationship with the life lost.. you just don't get it unless you are from Grand Manan

I am leaving my heart on Grand Manan tonight and I am sending as much love and strength as I can to wrap around the island and hug it tight. My deepest condolences are with the families and friends of Danielle.. I have never known a pain like that and no one deserves to feel it.

The world just wasn't ready for you yet. Rest in Peace #9

a love worth waiting for. [Days 15-19]

Hello Lovely People!

I am using the wifi at work to catch up on the past couple days of my 100 happy days challenge. The bad news is that my data charges on my phone are going to be out of control his month due to not having wifi but the good news is that my modem is on the way and I will soon have wifi and be able to update regularly from home. Can I get an AMEN?

So I'll jump right into my updates starting back at Day 15.

Day 15. Mistake Pizza. I know food should't affect my happiness but it probably affects it more than most things. I love pizza and I love free pizza even more so when someone called and cancelled their 2 medium pizzas on friday night and the boys in the kitchen asked me if I wanted it I was over the moon. Even better? Kristy came over with some other treats and we had a little girls night which is another thing that makes me super happy. Lovely. 

Day 16. Surprise Adventures 

I was scheduled to work Sunday AM so my plans for Saturday night included work, food and a lot of sleep. At work Kristy and I started entertaining the idea of going out and before we knew it we were all dressed up and headed to the bar. I love the nights when you don't plan to do anything and it turns into a whole bunch of fun. Ended the night cuddling a very handsome guy too so.. an even better surprise! WOOP WOOP. 

Day 17. Movie Love

Yesterday I was able to see the kind of love I hope to find someday. An older couple came in, prob in their late 60's/early 70s and the man was pushing his wife in her wheelchair. As I waited on them I became more aware of her state - she was their mentally, seemed aware of the conversation and laughed along with it but she was unable to do much physically and didn't communicate much if at all. Her husband seemed very happy to be out to eat with her and sat there for over 90 minutes sharing his meal with her, feeding her and smiling at her. 

That is how I hope I love someone and that is how I hope to be loved - even when we are sick or angry or whatever I want us to be in it together to the bitter end because we dont want to spend our lives with anyone else. Over the past year or so I've kind of lost my faith in love or finding anything even close to that. I always believed so much that I was going to find this perfect love, not one without struggle but one that outlasted those struggles. Then I started seeing relationships I admire deteriorate and I was hurt over and over and people I love were hurt over and over and I started to wonder if anyone else in the world even wanted the kind of love I dreamed of. I still wonder. If there is any chance of me finding that kind of love though it's totally worth waiting for. 

I don't know whats ahead for me and I don't know if I'll ever find a beautiful love like theirs but seeing that it can exist helped me. I don't know their story - I don't know what awful things they have done to each other if any, I don't know if they have been married for years and I don't know how long he will stay by her side but I believe that it will be as long as he can and I just totally fell in love with their love yesterday. 

Day 18. Painting my Nails 

Todays Happy Moment is much lighter and more easy going than yesterdays. On my break today I decided to tackle my disgusting toenails and finger nails. I almost NEVER make time to do those little things for myself because I'm lazy and don't really care about myself enough but I was happy I did it today. I'd like to make more effort to do those sorts of things and maybe that will bring up my chances of finding that love I was talking about earlier cause my nasty ass chipped purple nail polish sure wasn't. 

So now that I've caught you up and shared my most deep, dark, depressing feelings on love I think I'll let you guys decompress because that was a bucket load. 

Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days not only here on my blog but through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz (www.instagram.com/beejsmallz) or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!

BIG love,

Bailey 

family, friends and free shit [Days 8-14]

Excuse my french but Holy Shit. The past week has been crazy. Between working like crazy after losing a couple of coworkers and moving into my new place, I've barely had time to sleep or breathe. I'm finally on a day off and I am on Grand Manan seeing my parents, big brother, his wife and their kids. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it but last night I surprised them and I'm so happy to be here! I really needed the time off and being able to see my family who I don't see very often is making this day off so much sweeter!

The first couple of days I missed were just too busy to make any time for blogging and the next few I was at the new place without WIFI so that's why I have missed the past week. Despite this I have definitely still been looking for things to write about and keeping track so that I can stay accountable. I am going to finish this 100 Days - no excuses!

So let's start back at last thursday.

Day 8 New Friends

Meet Vanessa! Vanessa and I work at Vitos together. Last Thursday Vanessa and I had some drinks after work and hit up karaoke. She is one of the most genuine, kind people I've ever met. I have been so lucky working at Vitos - I have made some really great friends and been able to take the friendships outside of work which is great. Everyone I work with I get along with and I'm really happy to have met everyone there, they make the job awesome! 

Day 9 Independence

I've always wanted to be super independent but I am totally not at all. I call my mom all the time for silly, embarrassing things and I always have to ask a million questions about things because I've never done them on my own. Looking for a new place and moving in has forced me to do a lot of new, grown up things that I've never done before and it's been a scary and cool experience. I definitely feel I have gained some independence through this experience and I'm totally down with that. Independent sister diva for life! (Unfortunately I literally will probably be a single diva for life)

Day 10 Free Beers (Cider..same thing) 

For those of you who don't know what Klout is, it is essentially a social media program that gives you points depending on how popular you are within social media sites such as facebook, twitter and instagram and will send you free things as your points get higher. I've received a lot of interesting things from Klout but when they sent me Molsen Canadians delicious Cider last week I was pretty thrilled! It was the day I was moving so they couldn't have come at a better time. Free beers are the best beers and I was one happy little camper! 

Day 11 Helping Hands

Sunday my father and his friend showed up to move my heavy things into my new place. I have never been more thankful for help. I had to work a split shift that day and after I went to work they moved all my furniture, etc up the 3 flights to my new apt in the blistering heat. I am so blessed to have people who are willing to help me.. I couldn't ever say thank you enough. 

Later that night, around 2:30AM, after packing and cleaning since 10pm, I was finally carrying my stuff from my car up to my new apartment. I was exhausted - more exhausted than I been in a long time - and I was on the edge of a mental breakdown.. okay, I had already had a mental breakdown. As I loaded my arms up with a couple more bags to carry upstairs, my friend Medo, a knight in shining armor, showed up out of nowhere and asked if I needed help. It was like a guardian angel had been sent to me from the heavens! He didn't know I was moving but had seen me on my way to the store and stopped in to help me. This gesture meant SO much to me and was so much easier to appreciate after having a different guy totally ditch me earlier that evening when I started to pack up my stuff. I am so glad to have Medo and my other caring, generous friends like him to help get me through life. I'd be a wreck without ya's! 

Day 12 Last minute Maddy Visits 

On Monday I was working and I got a text from Maddy asking me to call her. When I did, she asked what I was doing that night as it was Canada Day Eve and there was a lot going on in SJ. I told her I was hitting up the boardwalk with my friends and she decided to make the trip up and come out with me. Maddy is my best friend and whenever she comes to town I am the happiest person in the world so her showing up after a bit of a stressful weekend was just what I needed - I had the excited shits and everything! We had SUCH a blast Monday night celebrating Canada with all kinds of friends and I just love her so much!

Day 13 Surprises! 

So as I mentioned I came home last night and surprised my family. I love surprising and I love to be surprised so I took advantage of my chance to come home and surprise everyone. I'm not sure how surprised they were as I tend to pull shit like this a lot but it made me happy so thumbs up to that! 

Day 14 Family 

Today I have been able to hang out and see my niece and nephews and since I barely ever get to I've really enjoyed having them around. I'll be very sad to go tomorrow but I'm just thankful I was able to come home. It's always so crazy to see how they have grown and how smart and funny they are. I wish I could tell you every funny thing they say and capture it all on camera but I probably find them especially cute and awesome since they're my own. 

Tomorrow I'm headed back to the city. Im sad to leave but I'm just thankful I was able to come at all and it will be nice to get the apartment all set up and make it home. As soon as I have wifi I will be updating regularly but until then my posts will probably be scattered and combined days - sorry! Will try my best :) 

Big Love,

Bailey 

Trying New Things. [Day 7.]

Props to myself for making it through the first week of my 100 Happy Days project and especially for posting it on the blog the whole time. I'm quite impressed with myself for making the time to record it all here and I know by the end of it I'll be happy I kept track of it all and didn't get lazy.

Todays happiness is brought to you by food.. which is not unusual. Today my friend Medo and I got together for lunch and he took me to Taste Of Egypt - a restaurant in uptown Saint John that I've been dying to try. He had the beef kebob and I had a shawarma wrap with rice! I love going to new places and trying new things (especially food, lets be honest) so I was so happy to go with him. The wrap was delicious and the company was great. He has been an awesome friend to me since we met in January.

The picture I got of the food was a super shitty picture but oh well! :) After lunch we went to Rockwood Park and I got super lost but you can't actually get lost so it was fine. We went to a part of the park I haven't been to before and it was really nice. Id really like to start running up there, mostly because I can run deep into the forest where no one can see me lol

Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days on my blog or through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz (www.instagram.com/beejsmallz) or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!

big love,
bailey j 

Kristy [Day 6]

Todays post is late because work was kinda terrible. The bright side is that I came home with 140$ from a night shift on a tuesday which is super rare. The bad news is I didnt even get into Millidgeville until 11 and thats annoying. Oh well!

Today for my 100 happy days I'm celebrating Kristy. Kristy is my cousin/soul sister diva who has basically been taking care of me and being my best friend since I moved to Saint John. She listens to all my bullshit, gives me advice (even when it hurts!), feeds me, makes me laugh, finds me jobs and the list goes on and on. My life really would be a racket without her and she has been a huge blessing to my life since I moved here in January. 

Today she made me Chicken Alfredo and I knew she had to be my Day 6. Love you! 

Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days on my blog or through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz (www.instagram.com/beejsmallz) or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!

big love,

bailey