Thursday, December 31

2015 : the year I grew to love myself

Today I was looking through my blog dashboard and realized a startling fact : I only wrote about 16 blog posts in all of 2015 - 13 of which I actually published (the one confessing my story of falling in love was a bit much - thought better than to post that shit). Once a month compared to up to 7 times a month in previous years blew my mind - what had changed in the last 1-3 years to make me stray from my blog?

Well, for starters, I am a much busier lady than I was when I was living on Grand Manan with not a whole lot to do besides write BUT I definitely have more than one chance every month to sit down and talk about my (many, many) feelings. I also have more chances than once a month to vacuum and make my bed but I didn't do much of that either in 2015. Deep down I know it has a lot to do with the fact that, though I wrote the least in the past two years, I had received the most negative comments on my blog in the last two years as well. As you tweet, instagram and facebook more about your blog and as more people follow your blog, the more likely it is that someone is going to disagree with you or just try to hate on what you're saying - thats just plain ole' statistics. But I hadn't ever received much negativity (by some stroke of fucking luck) and it was hard for me, especially since it was mostly people putting words into my mouth which I found pretty unfair. Alas, I pulled up my big girl panties and moved on from that (but Im still bitter and you are still rude!)

Then there were, and still are, the creepy comments on and off from a reader (or at least a person who reads my tweets and then ignores the actual message of my posts and comments regardless) that have turned my blog from my safe haven into a place where I don't feel comfortable to write any of my candid and outrageous thoughts or feelings. (How's that for a run on sentence from hell?) And how am I suppose to post pictures of myself or write about personal things when I know what I will be opening my account to quickly after? Just when I am comfortable posting again, I open my account to some totally inappropriate comment waiting to be approved. It pisses me off that I've let someone take this away from me and I'm working on moving past it.

So I haven't been writing much this year mostly due to these reasons, but I have done a lot of work on myself. Part of me wishes I had written more and documented my journey but the fact that it happened at all is a blessing. This year I worked my ass off, at least my mental ass, to learn to be okay with myself and come to terms with who I am inside and out. Being true to myself, especially in the past couple of months, has become a serious priority to me. I wanted to write about it because if it helps or inspires one person to look inside themselves and start the journey of self love and acceptance and truth, then it will be worth the time and emotion and risk of you guys thinking I've gone completely kookoo. I don't mind spilling my weirdo feelings to this blog if there's some sort of good that comes from it - the feels will be felt regardless!

I've spent most of my life feeling pretty inadequate, unattractive and a tad stupid. The moments when I felt like I may just be pretty or enough were usually alcohol induced, social media induced or the 3 days where some idiot acted like he liked me. As much as I declared, or even believed that it didn't, my own opinion of myself depended on others opinions of me - friends, peers, relatives, boys, teachers..anyone really. I did the "I dont care what people think" thing for a long time in high school and after but I totally cared and still do to a certain degree.

After years of diets and tears and more diets and even more tears, I started to come around to the idea that maybe being skinny wasn't the answer to all lifes questions and sadness. Maybe, just maybe, I could be happy and even learn to like myself if I wasn't thin or pretty or smart..if I was just plain ole' me. I think the fabulous movements being pioneered by people like Tess Holiday and Whitney Thore really helped inspire me to look beyond my obvious weight 'problem'. It started with following a lot of very strong, independent, motivated, passionate, smart women through twitter, blogs and instagram  women who loved everything good and bad about themselves and without apology. I started to discover so many plus size women who were proud of their bodies and who were sassy and fabulous and it became something I aspired to be.

I hate to say that I woke up one day and decided to be fabulous but it does sort of feel that way. I came to a big realization : my feelings about myself are completely in my own hands. I get to choose if I love myself, I get to choose if I feel pretty, I get to choose if I feel h a p p y - at least for the most part. I hate to admit it but I honestly had been waiting for some guy to come sweep me off my feet and I thought Id just automatically start loving myself and feel beautiful. I was living in a dream world - I needed to love myself first, not wait for someone to give me the fucking go ahead. Ironically, almost any guy I met in the last couple of years had made me feel worse because I attracted men who didn't respect me because of my own lack of self respect.

So I started working on myself because it turns out that's where it all starts. I knew I had to do it for me and without anyone else's approval or help. I wanted to truly believe it and see the good in myself. I knew it would take some time but the fact that I have awesome family and friends who see good in me pushed me to find it for myself. (I seriously cant thank the people who love me enough.)I know it sounds silly but I started giving myself serious pep talks. I would often strip naked, look in the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful and worthy and I did it over and over and over and I still do it, especially when I'm feeling not so fierce. Fake it til you make it people.

I started buying clothes that made me feel good and I didn't buy clothes that "girls like me" should wear to hide the undesirable parts of myself. I bought whatever I thought was cute and wanted to rock. I took pictures of myself and I immersed myself into the plus size instagram diva pool and disregarded anyone who thought I was using too many hashtags. It felt good to be a part of something so positive and other peoples confidence was totally contagious.

Now - I know that being and/or feeling beautiful is not the most important thing in the world. The first part of my journey had a lot to do with feeling good about the outside and I realize that 1)this is not important to everyone and b) feeling good about who you are on the inside is equally, if not way more important than being down with how fabulous you are on the outside. If you don't care about being or feeling like a sexy lady or man, that's totally reasonable - I just personally enjoy feelin' like a sexy lady and this is my blog so I wrote about it. I believe you need to find what makes you feel good about you, what gives you purpose and pride and then hone in on it and work on flexin' that muscle. It was important to me to feel cool with my body and in my own skin so it was certainly a focus when I started this journey and will be something I always strive to feel good about.

Like I said though, there's lot's of work to do on the inside too and I do know that and value that. I have definitely taken some steps that I'm super proud of. My big issue is, and has been, that sometimes I don't feel worthy - worthy of being treated well or finding a nice guy or having the things I want or worthy of feeling all this lovin' Im trying to have for myself. I'd be a liar if I said that I haven't had a ton of weak moments- those are always going to happen. Do I have bad days? Absolutely. I have days where I look in the mirror and just cry because I can't think of one fucking thing that is good about myself and I wonder if anyone is ever going to love me (most of these days are period induced.. I am a wild woman before my period) But I rise above that shit because there's no use in feeling that way about myself when I have to live life as Bailey, in this body for the rest of my life. What good does it do to wallow in self pity?

So that's why when I do the ole naked affirmations I tell myself I am worthy - because we are all worthy of happiness and love. We deserve to see the good in ourselves and we deserve to be privy to the beautiful imperfections we possess. A large part of discovering and evolving my own self worth is being the best me possible. It is important to me, going into 2016, to start working towards being a version of myself that is aligned with who I would like to be - the best version of me. This includes being kinder to myself and to others, working harder, creating goals and working towards them, focusing on my important relationships, being generous, lifting people up, removing myself from toxic situations and relationships and hopefully getting really nice eyebrows at some point (very crucial to being a great me). I'd also like to work on being a little stronger and maybe not so sensitive (but I don't see that happening in the near future lol).

In order to make my life a little more positive, I've had to make room for it. I have tried to start doing things that I am so not used to doing such as standing up for myself, being a little more strict on who I let into my life - specifically men who I'm interested in dating and letting friendships that maybe weren't serving me or the other person anymore fade away instead of wasting energy into keeping them alive. I have realized it's not selfish to surround yourself with people who are good for you and who you are good for - its healthy. Standing up for myself, other people and what is right is something I hope to focus more on going into 2016 as well.

I realize that not everyone is going to be supportive of how I evolve as a person. The people who I love and love me back, who support me and are down with the person I am and will become will be around and I hope to attract and meet even more people who will be healthy and compatible for me and my journey as a person. The people who aren't? Well they will just naturally grow apart from me if I haven't told them to leave me the fuck alone before it happens naturally. I've decided that this is cool with me and though sometimes it can suck a bit, its generally for the best.

In summation, after this very long speech, I just want anyone reading this to know that its all up to you. The power lies within you - how you feel about yourself, how you let people make you feel..its up to you! Yes, you are going to hurt and be hurt, we are human after all. You can let yourself drown in it or you can have your moment of being hurt and then rise above it. Most importantly, you deserve to rise above the shitty things that happen, and maybe even the shitty things that you do. You deserve to grow as a person, you deserve to move on, you deserve to feel worthy because you ARE worthy and you deserve to feel happiness. We all do and the power to do so lies within us.

And YES I know I sound like a bit of a hippy on a wild trip but I'm a hippy who is cool with herself and loves herself and is able to love everyone else more because of it. Life is still going to be shitty and bad things are going to happen but these things are so much easier to deal with when you are right with yourself and you've found yourself worthy of surrounding yourself with good people to help you through those shitty times. I'm willing to sound crazy to some in order to provoke a powerful realization in others. People are gonna know I'm a little crazy anyway, it may as well be for a purpose.

So that's where I'm at as we enter the new year. I think New Years Resolutions are a little silly and we rarely stick to them but I do think it's a great time of year to feed off the energy of possible change and evolution and if you wanna hop on the train to a better, stronger, more confident, smart etc you, its a great time of year to do so! There is no time like the present.

Thank you so much to the people who love me and do not stifle me in the least. I seriously have the best friends and family and even acquaintances ever, I am a very lucky lady!

Big, ginormous love,

Sunday, October 11

Please Stop Asking Why I Dont Date White Men

If that title didn't get you here, I don't know what would. I've always wanted to write this post but it's kind of a weird and touchy subject so I never tackled it. After the same "Why don't you give a white guy a chance" conversation 3 times in one week, I decided it was time. The running joke about me is that I like brown guys. If you're in my friend circle or we are acquaintances you probably know this or have heard one of my friends crack a joke about it. I've never been in a relationship with a white guy and every time I have a date my mother asks me where he's from. It's just the way it goes.

Here's some fun facts about me : My first kiss was when I was 17, I've only had one real relationship and to this day I just do not have luck with men. I joke around that men hate me but I've always felt like there's a bit of truth to it - I repel them. I never had boys who liked me in high school and now I don't have much luck either. I don't know if it's me, if its the way I look or if it's a sexy combination of the two but my luck with men is non existent.

When I graduated I took a trip to Guatemala to volunteer in an Orphanage for a couple of months. My life totally changed there when I discovered among many things that men did not in fact hate me, at least not in Latin America and that some men even thought I was, GASP, pretty. It was mind blowing.

Living in a country where I was getting attention from men was exhilarating and overwhelming. I had a lot of fun and made some mistakes and learned some lessons that I would not have had I been living on Grand Manan. When I came home I went back to being plain old me and worked until I could go on a trip again. Meanwhile I met Mark and moved in with him a couple years later.

Since my break up with Mark I've met a lot of men who were raised in different societies and have different definitions of what beautiful is. Mark never thought I was beautiful and I always felt as if he simply tolerated my body - it was made clear I wasn't exactly what he wanted through out our relationship. Being exposed to men who don't necessarily see my body as disgusting but beautiful has been a confidence builder and has helped me come to love  and appreciate my body for what it is - it took a long time and a lot of hard work to get to this place. I had always seen my body as something to be put up with - maybe a man could love me through it - and now I see it as something to be celebrated. That's a big deal. Up until recently I had been made to feel like I was disgusting which is so not okay - no one should ever feel that way, no matter what!

So here is why I want to stop being asked why I don't date white men : because white men don't date me. I am a very open minded person and I would go on a date with almost anyone who asked politely and seemed genuine. It's actually kind of offensive when people ask me why I only date black guys or why I don't date white men. White men don't even notice I'm alive let alone ask me on dates - they bump into me because they don't notice I'm there or they notice who I'm with and talk to me as a way to talk to a girlfriend. This is fine.. but I don't like being treated like I shut someone out when there's never been an opportunity there to give it a chance.

I don't know why it is this way and I don't know if I care. I think there's a lot of stigma around dating girls who aren't thin and I'm living in a tiny city with limited options and close minded people. My dating pool is tiny.. more like a kiddy dating pool but not in a weird way. It is what it is. Right now absolutely no one is asking me out but if they were, their race or height or weight etc would be irrelevant. I want to meet someone who is ambitious and hard working and funny and who treats me with respect - if you meet this criteria and you're purple, I'll give it a go.

So in summation, yes, I've hung around a lot of guys who were not Caucasian and yes, I kind of prefer tall, dark and handsome men. If a tall, dark, handsome man thought you were beautiful and was chasing you - making you feel desired- you wouldn't be turning it down either, I promise. But that doesn't mean "I dont date white men" it means someone else put them self out there and I obliged.

If you've asked me this question and are now wondering if it offended me - don't worry about it. It's a running joke that I actively participate in. What you can do is set me up with a nice guy you know and all will be forgiven.

As always, Big Love,

Wednesday, August 12

The Scoop

Hello blogosphere friends and real life friends alike who support my blog - I really love you guys and I don't tell you enough! I am a lucky gal - I have such a good group of people behind me at all times and I know how blessed I am. Thank you!

I really am trying to do this blog thing more often and I'm impressed I'm writing again only 11 days after my last post instead of 11 weeks. Writing is some serious therapy for me and I always feel more content after I've made some time to do it. Today I just wanted to write a post of what's been going on and how my life is going these days.

As a follow up to my last post, I am still on the "find a guy who respects me" track and I'm quite proud of myself. Do I think I'm any closer to finding myself a guy who's good for me? No, not really. But I haven't had to deal with any bullshit in over a month and that part is totally worth it. Avoiding men who are bad for me is almost as good as finding one who is good for me. I'm lonely and I could use a cuddle but I'm doing alright!

I'm honestly too busy most of the time to think about being lonely. I don't think I really touched on this in a previous blog but I am now working two jobs. I'm still full time at Vitos but about 5 months ago I applied for a part time job at SensationO - a local store that specializes in sex toys, lingerie, etc. Although my interview went great, the job was ultimately given to someone with more experience (now that I know her, she totally deserved it - shes amazing.) A couple of months later in June, they called to offer me a part time position as a different girl was leaving and they were in a bind. I nervously accepted!

The job has been awesome for me in many ways. For one thing, it is extremely educational - there is a lot to learn. I was previously in a relationship that was complicated and instead of empowering me as a sexual being, shamed me for being one. This job has been a part of a healing process for me as that relationship left me a little fucked up and I am grateful for the opportunity to work there. It is a great change in pace -it is much more laid back than waiting on people at the restaurant. Although it keeps me extremely busy, I am happy to be working both places and I can pay all my bills which is quite lovely.

I would also like to mention that the store is amazing - if you live in the area you need to stop in if you haven't already. If you prefer to go when I'm not there for privacy, or if you'd feel more comfortable with someone you know, feel free to ask me what my hours are. This should go without saying but what happens in the store stays in the store - I would never repeat who i see in there outside of the store. It's not my style to do that nor is it my business and I truly love my job there and would not risk it.

My other big life news is that I am back on weight watchers as of two weeks ago. I'm one of those people who needs to have a breaking point - I can start every day for months but until I have a point where I just decide I'm all in, it's not going to work. I recently had my breaking point where it just kind of clicked and I decided I'd go join with two of my friends.

For the first time it's a much more relaxed and casual decision. I wasn't laying in a pile of cake and cookies half naked crying over my stomach rolls - I just knew that it was a logical decision. Basically, I am trying to slowly lose weight over the next year in time for my best friends wedding and weight watchers works. My goal is to lose 50 lbs by August so about 1 pound a week which is pretty attainable. I really have about 80lbs to lose to be at a healthy weight but I'm just starting to love my body as it is and I don't really feel the need to be super skinny - I just want to feel a little better and look nice for Tams wedding.

My first week I did what I wanted to do and lost 1.3lbs. Normally on your first week you have a big loss but my first weigh in was the day after I got over that crazy stomach flu that was going around so I knew I was already down a couple pounds. I was happy with 1.3 and I'll be happy with 1.3 any week as long as its not a gain. I went yesterday for my second weigh in and lost 5.1 which was pretty exciting. I had a really good week and I'm working hard so it was kind of fun to see it pay off.

After my weigh in, it was extremely fun to have my cheat day. On tuesdays, I don't track and I try to have something sweet and eat something I've been craving. I had pasta at lunch and it was divine then after work last night Josh and I got A&W and ice cream and it was absolutely magical. Today I'm back on track though and looking forward to next Tuesday. Any suggestions for what I should eat?

So basically life is just work, sleep, watching greys anatomy and sex and the city and eating salad. It's usually not too bad but I'll be  happy when I have more of a social life someday.

I also want to mention I'm super active on instagram these days so follow me and I'll follow you and we will be instagrammy together. @beingbaileyj

Big Love,
Bailey J

PS. I'm blonde! Ish!

Saturday, August 1

(No More) Sex and The City

I've recently began watching Sex and the City from start to finish. Although I would consider it one of my favorite shows and I've seen most of the episodes before now (many several times as well as the movies over and over and over), I've never actually watched them in order from start to finish. When my roommate moved in, she brought with her an apple tv type machine that plays series and shows and movies from her computer and luckily, SATC was on the playlist.

I'm learning a lot from watching the episodes consecutively - it's like the show was written for me to enjoy, relate to and learn from. I'm a young, 20 something, surrounded by great girlfriends, looking for relationship, having sex, getting screwed over and breaking a few hearts along the way -it's extremely close to home for me. OH - and I live in a city!

What I'm noticing and taking particular interest in though, is the struggle for these women to find good relationships. Although it may just be specific to dating in New York during that time, not just dating in general, I always thought only modern dating was as complicated as it is. I figured that women used to have it easy because men were willing to commit and were decent human beings before cellphones, tinder, snapchat, pof etc came into play. Turns out that at least in New York during the new millennium (and on a tv show), dating was still super fucking shitty.

I haven't decided if this makes me feel better or worse. I think it makes me feel better. Maybe dating is just always going to be a hellish experience. It's quite a feat to find two people who work perfectly together and actually both like each other! Dating is nerve wracking, it shakes your confidence and makes you insecure. It's a lot of bullshit and heart ache and stupid decisions - which I find is true for life in general - and that's okay because life isn't perfect and if it was we'd all be bored.

People do fall in love though. It may not be easy but people fall in love, and they have happy relationships and sometimes they get married and/or they live happily ever after without the marriage part. And sometimes they get divorced and that's life - rarely do we get things right on the first try. What I'm getting at is that people have been getting married for years and meeting people and falling in love and somehow getting past that in between part where you're just constantly dating and meeting people who don't work for you and wondering if you're ever going to fucking get it right.

It's funny because when I was first writing this post (it has taken me a couple of weeks to spit it out) I was just starting this new phase of being someone who isn't dating. Now I'm this awesome place that I've wanted to be in for so long and I've tried to be in but couldn't quite get there. I'm not dating, I'm not looking to date and I'm making a conscious effort to shut down the guys who are wasting my time or who call me at all hours of the night to "hang out".

It has been struggle - I enjoy boys, I enjoy cuddles, I enjoy sex. Buuuuut, I enjoy feeling good about myself and feeling like I'm a strong, independent woman who respects herself enough to not spend time with guys who don't respect her. I've discovered that in order to meet guys who actually like me, I need to free up my time and stop spending it with guys who don't like me. I've finally started standing up to guys who I know are up to no good and saying "See Ya Later" whereas before I was afraid to say it because I knew they'd listen. Now I just want them to leave me the fuck alone.

This choice is kind of a lonely one but I feel better about it every day. I know that by saying I'm not going to hang out with guys who don't respect me or like me I'm unfortunately and sadly admitting that I'm just not going to be hanging around any guys. This sucks but so does being treated like a piece of trash - I'm choosing the option with the least suck. I'm not saying I'm never again going to hook up with someone who isnt on his way to being my husband but for now this is whats happening and what's workin'. I'm still open to meeting a good guy but I'm just trying to be less lenient on my definition of "good guy" because pretty much everyone was acing that extremely easy test up until recently. No more.

A big shout out to Carrie Bradshaw for awakening the writer who lives deep within me! Although re-watching the series has made me see shes a little more narcissistic than I had once thought, it really opened me up to writing again and I have her to thank. It has definitely been a while. Not only am I quite busy on a daily basis but as you can see I'm sorting through some deep shit and trying to work on some "me stuff". As much as Id like to keep up with that on the blog, I think I mostly just need to focus on actually doing the work and writing about it will come with time. I do hope to write more often though because it just feels so damn good.

Wish me luck!

Big Love,

Friday, May 1

Why I Finally Quit POF.. For Good!

Tonight for the first time in a month, I logged onto POF. Let me start by saying I've logged back onto POF many times after many hiatuses. I've had multiple accounts (at different times) and whenever I deleted them, I knew deep downit was a "I need a break...for now" kind of deal.

In the past 2 years I've talked to hundreds and hundreds of men between POF and Tinder and if we're being totally honest, I maybe talked to 10 decent human beings. So tonight when I logged on, it was to delete my account and to delete it for good.

The last time I logged onto POF before tonight, like I said, was maybe a little over a month ago. I had met a guy I was interested in who seemed to be pursuing me more than any other guy I'd met recently. Once we went to text, I really had no need for POF anymore. When things went south with us after a couple of dates I was exhausted and didn't feel the need or have the energy to sign on and meet any more guys who were totally wrong for me. So I didn't.

I continued to chat with a couple of guys who I had met on POF but hadn't gone on dates with. One guy in particular, who seemed way too good looking to be on POF let alone be interested in me, paid an out of the ordinary amount of attention to me. He was dull and superficial but I thought he was hot and it was nice to feel pretty so I continued to talk to him and question him straight up if he really was who he said he was. After searching and searching and searching, I finally proved what I had thought all along : I was being cat fished. That was a breaking point for me : I could never subject myself to this POF bullshit again. I deleted the app on my phone and had not logged on until tonight.

I went on today just to make it final. To delete that account.. to have nothing to go to when Im feeling lonely and desperately single. And believe me.. I feel desperate. I'm crazy lonely and in a place where I want to commit to someone and have a (healthy) relationship. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, whichever way you choose to see it, my standards are quite high when it comes to the guy I want to be in  relationship with. There's no men in general knocking down my door for a date but if there were, I wouldn't be choosing just anyone who looked at me twice. I'm not being picky.. I just want to avoid wasting mine or anyone else's time.

I'm ready for a healthy relationship with a decent guy. Yes, I want a guy with a job. Yes, I want a guy who can provide for himself - I'll take care of me, you take care of you. Yes, I want to be pursued  and taken on a fucking date for once! I'll even pay half. I don't know if men are afraid to be seen with me in public or think they can just get into my pants without any effort but I have been on very few actual dates.. do other people go on dates? Is this a thing?! Sorry guys, you're not gettin up in this the first night you make time to sit on your couch and hang out with me. Take me on a couple dates for fucks sakes.. put some back into it.

I deleted POF because I'm not going to meet the kind of guy Im looking for on there. There may be some good guys on POF, that's not what I'm saying, I'm just no good at attracting them! I'm also not saying that you can't meet the guy you're looking for but I am saying that if you DO meet a decent guy or gal who is compatible with you and meets your standards through POF or Tinder - you, my friend, are the fucking EXCEPTION.

Ever seen 'He's Just Not That Into You'? I have a couple hundred times. I have to watch it often to remind myself not to text guys who don't ever text me because if they wanted to see me, they'd text me and they'd make it happen. And it also teaches me in a twisted way that yes, people find great women and men on POF and Tinder and even at the bar but they are exceptions to the rule..and I am not.

I want to meet someone organically and people just don't do that anymore. I am holding out hope though.. I will eventually meet a good guy, however it is we are suppose to meet, and I'm not going to be using POF or Tinder to meet him. I am more lonesome than I've ever been.. I admitted tonight at work that I'd go on a date with the 17 year old take out boy. This is not an excuse to give into POF just because 50 men would messge me tonight when I made a profile and make me feel a little better for half a second. Those 50 men would probably suck and Id be right back where I started.

So that's why I deleted POF and why I will remain single and lonely for the next couple months or years or decades..who fuckin knows?! I don't. But I know Im actually saving myself a lot of time, emotions and even heart ache by ditching POF.

Now, if you use it and enjoy it.. no worries. I'm not dissing you and you do your thang - everyone has a different experience. But would I recommend it to people my age? Not really.. not if you're looking for anything real. Thats just me..

Big Love,

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