Monday, April 20

oh hey, blog.

Hello friends - its been a while, I know. A large reason I haven't been writing is the fact that I have no wifi. I don't open up my laptop and start typing very often anymore and Im not one to write using pen and paper so it just doesn't happen. I've had the urge, believe me..just haven't done it.  Honestly though, a huge reason I think I stopped writing was because I subconsciously put up a huge wall after receiving an insane negative comment on a blog I posted a couple of weeks before I stopped writing.

When I freely put my thoughts, opinions and feelings out there I have to accept that some people may not always like it or agree and will go as far as commenting negatively and letting me know just how much they don't like it. That's just how it goes. For the most part though, that hadn't ever happened yet and I've had this blog since high school. People are good to me - they comment and encourage me and blogging has been an awesome experience. When I received this particular comment I think it took me by surprise and made me pull back.

For a while I worried everyone or at least a portion of people felt the way this person felt and that I should no longer write about my life and experiences and opinions because it was just whiny and negative. The thing is though.. this is my blog and if I want to write about things that suck in my life, I will, and it's totally okay if no one reads it. If you don't like it, don't read it. Please, for the love of god, don't read it and complain about it if you dont like it! Just go away.

Writing is my therapy - writing about things that hurt or bother me is how I deal with them best. The reason I post and share is because I've found that people relate and understand to a lot of what I'm saying and sometimes its nice to not feel so alone when you're hurt and bothered by shit. It took me too long to realize I have to write anyway, even if people don't like it, but I get it now and I am going to try to write more often. :)

During my little hiatus not much has changed in my day to day life. I've been working a ton, my roommate sadly moved out, I don't drink very often anymore as I'm quite busy with work and I spend as much time with friends and family as I can. My love life is definitely the same but I am trying hard to not worry about boys and focus on being a version of me that I can really like and appreciate and I figure a dude might be able to like and appreciate me more when I can. I did hang out with a really lovely guy last week and it would be nice if that went somewhere as I felt a nice little click with us. It was really nice to just hang out with a guy who I could talk to and be comfortable around..and he ended up being a pretty good kisser too. But I'm going with the flow and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't and its all good.

Unfortunately this winter I found out that my dad has been diagnosed with Cancer. At first this was scary for me after seeing so many of my friends struggling with the heartbreak of having sick family this year. I knew it was coming - we were prepared that this was a possibility but you're never truly prepared to hear your dad tell you he has cancer. Fortunately, it's an early stage, low risk cancer and at this point the oncologist has decided to wait it out before taking action with treatments. We are all hopeful and positive and I trust things will be okay because I really don't know what else I'm suppose to do at this point.

Life has been a little funky for me lately. It is definitely not a bad life - I am blessed and I know that I'm just going through a bad stage. I just feel a little stuck and work has been draining me a bit, both physically and emotionally. I'm trying my best to pull myself out of it and I'm feeling positive that May will be a great month and June will be even better. May is a ton of exciting celebrations - birthdays and baby showers and the celebration of warm weather of course. Then in June 2 new babies will be coming into my life and I finally have a trip planned to visit my best friend in Vancouver. I am over the moon excited for this trip - I am counting down the days and I get giddy if I talk about it too much so I'll stop.

For now, I wake up every morning and try to go into my days with a good attitude. I'm eating healthy and have been back at the gym doing the Couch to 5k program and I'm feeling good. I've lost 12 lbs and that's pretty nice too. Going through ruts is easier when you're at least trying to feel your best to make life a little better and I really am trying. :)

So that's where I've been at in my head and what I've been doing. I feel a weight off my shoulders just having written this so that goes to show that I really do need to write more often. For now I'm off to make a grocery list, hit up the gym then fill my fridge with something other than ketchup and plum sauce.. classic.

Big Love,
Bailey J 

Wednesday, February 4

Why Whitney Thore Is My Spirit Animal

If you don't know who Whitney Thore is you need to get the hell off my blog... just kidding. But you seriously need to go check out My Big Fat Fabulous Life on TLC or at least watch a trailer to catch a glimpse of this inspiring creature. If you do know who she is or have now checked her out...please continue and don't get the hell off my blog.

Before MBFFL premiered on TLC I had seen Whitneys viral video floating around. From the minute you see footage of her you can feel her energy - she's intense and amazing. Honestly, her and I are different in a lot of ways and I might even find her a little obnoxious if I didn't have this crazy girl crush on her. Either way, her spirit is inspiring and contagious and there's this fire about her that is just undeniable whether you like her or not.

I am convinced that all girls out there who struggle with their weight, with self love and body image issues and feel held back when it comes to dating, shopping etc are going to love Whitney once introduced to her and this show if they are currently hiding under rocks and haven't seen it. MBFFL covers so many of the issues that I have personally faced as an overweight woman and she is a very empowering lady and role model. She is suffering from a disease she can't control (PCOS) and fighting like hell to love herself regardless and get as healthy as possible. Watching her kick ass and take names makes you want to fight too.

Something Whitney touched on this week during MBFFL was feeling like a fetish. This is something I have struggled with a little and I totally knew where she was coming from. I find it very hard to find guys who are attracted to me and that could be because I'm ugly but I mostly think it's because of my weight. When guys are attracted to me it's wonderful and awesome but when it's this weird like "oh you're big and fat and I wanna rub my dick in your fat creases" kind of attraction, shit gets weird and all of a sudden I feel like an object and not an attractive, desirable woman.

Being a fetish is not something I want to be. Everyone falls into a fetish category - there is literally fetishes for everything - but its not something I'm particularly comfortable exploiting myself as. I want someone to be attracted to me for me or just because they think I'm beautiful or sexy because of not only the way I look but the way my personality radiates and fills their life with sunshine (yeah.. a girl can dream). Ideally a future boyfriend would be cool if I lose weight and cool if I gain weigh as long as I stay true to the girl he fell for in the first place.

Unfortunately I have had an experience with a guy who told me he liked me but if I lost weight he wouldn't really be attracted to me anymore and he would prefer for me to gain weight if possible. Most girls are probably like, "right on, stop complaining and bring on the cake," and i do love cake but to me it was a red flag. This situation for me is no different than someone telling someone to lose weight to be attractive which most people would find a bit offensive. So why wouldn't it be offensive to be told to gain weight, no matter the persons original weight?

Whitney is sassy, self aware and confident - she knows she deserves love and deserves to be with someone who is perfect for her and that is something that I personally could take a lesson in and I think a lot of other people - big, small, male, female, etc - could too. She says so many things that resonate with me and make me think and I honestly think that MBFFL coming into my not so fabulous life was a blessing in disguise - I have a lot of lessons to learn from Whitney Thore.

Have you seen MBFFL? What do you think of the show? Whitney? Babs? Babs is taking over. She's outrageously funny.

Big Love,

Sunday, February 1

No Booze January in Review

Well guys, I made it! Today is February 1st and I made it through a month without drinking. I know for many people it's no big deal but for me, it's pretty damn impressive. I honestly had no idea whether I would make it or not and I'm quite surprised and proud of myself for doing so.

In the past two years and specifically the past year, I've been doing a lot of drinking and a lot of partying. I honestly don't know if I went more than 2 weeks without a drink in the past 3 years and it just became a lifestyle for me. I felt like I had to go out every weekend, I had to always be on the go and it was eventually just habitual for me to go out, just because, not for any particular reason.

I was at the point where if I was stressed, drinking instantly helped and I craved it all the time. I would plan not to go out but then work would be crazy and we would all go out after. The question was rarely ,"Are we going out?" but "Are you coming out with me?" and I'd be looking around for someone to come out with me, convincing everyone I knew to join the fun. And believe me, I was having lots of fun, but maybe a little too much.

Am I an alcoholic? I no longer think so because I made it through the last month without too much trouble but I certainly have tendencies and can see how it could be my future if I'm not careful which is part of the reason I took the month off. Other reasons included how broke I am and the fact that I was spending up to $400 a month on drinking. Had I not given it up, I never would've made it through this month as money is SO tight for me currently. I chose the right month, financially, for sure.

I was kind of hoping not drinking (and not taking part in 3am pizza and hangover food) would take a couple lbs off but honestly I don't think it did. What it did do was give me more time and energy to go to the gym and commit to healthy eating. Over the last month I lost about 6.5lbs which is better than nothing but like I've mentioned, the scale isn't something I'm majorly concerned with.

The best part of taking the month off was just feeling better. I felt generally happier, more energized and confident in the past month. I felt proud of myself and it was really nice making my mom proud because it's something I feel I rarely do. I was able and willing to go to the gym, I was never binge eating on hangover food and then feeling like hell for 2 days, my quality of life was simply better.

Has the month inspired me to stop drinking permanently? Lets be real - that was never going to happen. The point of it though, was to get back to a place where drinking is something you do for special occasions instead of something you do 3 times a week and I feel I'm definitely back in a mindset like that. For example, last night I was suppose to host a party for my friends birthday but because of the storm we didn't. I could've had a couple of drinks of the vodka thats been sitting in my freezer sine NYE but I didnt - even after a long 31 days of not drinking. It really wasn't worth it to just sit at home and drink and that's a really good start. I want to be someone who drinks 2 or maybe 3 times a month not 2 or 3 times a week and before it wasn't even something I wanted so thats progress right there.

I want to thank all of my friends who were so supportive over the last month. They could've tried to force me to come out and drink but everyone was respectful and awesome about it. I kept busy and worked a lot and only had one tiny weak moment where I almost gave in compared to the 10 I thought I would have. The month seemed very long as it went but now that it's over I feel like I could do another month... but who am I kidding? ;)

Have you ever quit drinking, smoking, fast food or something that was extremely hard for you? How did it work out? Let me know in the comments.

Big Love,

Thursday, January 29

21 Men

If you read my blog you know that at the first of the month I decided to try to do a boy free month along with quitting booze. Drinking and partying leads me to meeting a large number of the guys I happen to meet so it was much easier than it would've been had I been partying. For the most part I stayed boy free - I didn't go on dates with any new guys but I did hang out with one guy who I'd previously hung out with and had sex a couple of times (not with that guy) as I am human after all.

What led me to attempting a boy free month was a list that I had made at the end of 2014. I met a lot of guys in 2014, being in a new city surrounded by men who I had never met felt like I had unlimited possibilities. I thought I was going to move here and find the love of my life to be totally honest. I was used to being surrounded by guys who I had known all my life and who had all previously dated one of my friends. There was literally no chance of me dating in my hometown so when I moved here I went a little crazy and met and kissed a lot of boys. Unfortunately none of these guys ever had any interest in me beyond hanging out a couple times and I just kept getting screwed over. By the end of the year i had a list of 21 guys (those are just the ones who stuck out to me) I had met who had screwed me over in some way or screwed someone else over by hanging out with me.

There was the guy who I wrote about on my blog who chased me like I was some sort of dream girl and a couple months later it came out he had a serious girlfriend. There was the guy who planned to come see me 3 times and each time he stopped talking to me the week he was coming instead of just cancelling our plans like someone with character would. The guy who came to town and pretty much ruined my birthday - yeah, we never spoke again. Then there was the guy who would hang out with me, we would get along great, and once we hooked up he didnt speak to me for 6 months. Then I gave him a second chance, and didnt hook up with him, and he hasn't spoken to me since - damned if I do, damned if I dont.

The whole year was filled with guys like this. Guys who stopped talking to me because I wouldn't have sex with them, guys who stopped talking to me because I did have sex with them, guys who weren't honest about their relationship status, guys who would beg me to hang out then ignore me and even a guy who used me for money and rides and a guy who was pretty upfront about not being okay with my weight. By the end of the year I was emotionally exhausted from this and thus began No Boys January. I would like to add that I'm not perfect and I probably hurt a few guys feelings along the way too but 21 guys and not a single boyfriend? Fuck!

Right now I'm in a good place as far as being single and being okay with it. I don't want to date anyone or try to because I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being let down. Most of these guys have been a huge waste of my time and though I've learned some things in the past year, I'm cool with not wasting time and emotion on guys who's names I'll likely forget by next year. If someone came along who felt like a good idea AND gave me a bit of spark that'd be exciting but it's not something im waiting for or expecting to happen soon or ever. I will go with the flow though.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be in a healthy relationship or even be able to accept love from someone who treats me well because I haven't ever had a strong, healthy relationship. I feel as though I cant find anyone because maybe I don't deserve a nice guy and I just scare them all off. Mark and I loved each other very much but it was not healthy, especially in the end and I knew it wasn't what I wanted for the rest of my life. With all these guys ditching me and treating me like crap I find myself fearing that every guy I meet will see whatever it is these guys found wrong with me and run away. Im at the point where I don't want to give even the nice guys a chance because the disappointment when it fails is miserable.

I have definitely got to stop letting every bad experience reflect on me though. Yes, I will not be everyone's cup of tea, hell I won't be most peoples cup of tea, but some of these guys are just assholes. They weren't ever going to be good boyfriend material for me and some of them will never be good boyfriend material for anyone. This is their own problem and has shit all to do with me and who I am as a person. My cousin said something yesterday that made me think, she said "you never know what a guy has going on" and it was something that has been resonating with me. Just because a guy ditches me, isn't into me or whatever else doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with me, or that he's an asshole. It's not always about me. It just means its not the right timing for him and he could have a whole shit load of stuff going on in his own life that's keeping him from dating in general, not just from dating me.

For now I'm sticking to this no guy thing. I am talking to a couple of guys and if it develops into something then great. If a different guy comes along and he's fabulous, great. Not liking anyone feels great though and not chasing anyone feels even more great. Working out, eating healthier and not wasting time on people ( generally, not just guys) who are not a positive force in my life is so good for my soul and I feel really good these days. Taking time to focus on my health, both physical and mental/emotional is important and I think I'll be in a better place to find a healthy relationship if I'm healthy in other areas of my life.

In your experience, have you found that love comes along when you least expect it? Or are you someone who chases love until its yours? Do you find its easier to have a healthy relationship when you're good with yourself? I want you guys to weigh in on this with me!

Big Love,

Wednesday, January 21

an explanation, spinach in a smoothie and 21 days sober

Before I get started on what I would like to discuss in this post I want to just say a couple things about my last post. First of all, thank you so much for reading it in general and thank you to everyone who gave me positive feedback. It was one of my most popular posts thus far with more comments, shares and discussion than most if not all of my others post! That being said, there was some controversy about me offering up that I am currently sleeping with a hot guy.

Monique commented, "I was with you right up until the end. "This body is also sleeping with a really hot guy so fuck you, society!" Really? You spend a post writing about how YOU accept your body and that is the most important thing, but then you offer that you're sleeping with a "hot" guy as if that contributes to whether your body is acceptable or not. What does that mean for women who aren't sleeping with "hot" guys, or any guys? Are there bodies less acceptable? Also, why does it matter that the person you're sleeping with is "hot"? What if he had acne or was overweight or in some other way unattractive by society's standards?" 

I personally messaged Monique back but I wanted to offer up some answers here as I was left a couple of comments like this and it's definitely worth addressing, especially if other people felt this way but didn't comment.

 First of all, what I meant by that (for people who got any other message from it) was that me, someone who is not beautiful, sexy or acceptable by societies standards is sleeping with someone who is and I didn't say it in a "im sleeping with a hot guy and you aren't" way, I said it mostly as a stick it to the man kind of comment. I said it to to make an example of the fact that none of that shit really matters. Just because society or the media or your mother or the lady on the street tells you that there is one type of beauty or tells you that you fit into some box of ugly or pretty or fat or fit doesn't mean that it's right or even close to the truth. There are all kinds of types of beautiful and all kinds of people who are attracted to all those different types. I have slept with 5 guys and they were all very different physically and lead extremely different lives and had extremely different personalities but I was very attracted to them and there will be people who aren't and that's totally cool. This is what is so wonderful about life and love and the world we live in - diversity of people and diversity of interests - there is always someone wantin' what you're flauntin - always!

I understand that by putting my opinions and nonsense out in the open that there will always be people who don't agree or who want to pick apart what I say or who will take things I say and feel like I'm saying something I'm not. That is the risk I'm taking. My promise is to think longer and harder before I write things but to always be honest - even if I'm going to offend someone. If I tried not to offend anyone I wouldn't be able to write anything ever. I am not taking back anything I said in that post but I certainly am taking the comments seriously and will be more conscious about things like that next time as to have less misunderstandings! Thanks to my readers for always keepin it real!

Tonight I just wanted to write about the whole health journey thing that I'm on and keep you guys updated as a way of keeping myself accountable and maybe inspiring someone else.

Until this week I was mostly focusing on getting back to the gym and not drinking and partying. This weekend was really hard for me and all I wanted to do was drink a couple bottles of wine and take off to the bar. I didn't but I was very close to breaking. Now I'm happy I didn't and I would've been so disappointed in myself had I done it and I'm pretty excited to say I'm 21 days booze free and this is the longest I've gone in probably 2 years - it's a big deal for me!

Over the weekend I was pretty off track as far as food went and I decided to really tighten the reigns and start tracking my food and making healthy food choices a larger focus. I'm also trying extremely hard to push myself at the gym. I'm literally that girl on the treadmill who looks like she's about to pass out and inside my head I'm cheering myself on and giving myself pep talks to just make it one more minute. I feel really good though and I can't wait to be back to where I was a couple of years ago.

As far as food goes I'm trying to focus on getting a ton of veggies, some fruit and protein and cutting back on starch and added sugars but not stressing too much about that or anything really. I'm using myfitnesspal to be more aware of how much I'm eating but again, not stressing and obsessing. I'm not much of a cook but I have been making smoothies, stir fries and I made my own ground turkey spaghetti sauce to put on spaghetti squash last week. I also tried my hand at making a smoothie with spinach and it ended up being delicious so go me!

Every day is different and I tend to go with the flow as I'm not much of a planner. I've been keeping lots of healthy stuff on hand though so I don't have any excuses. Sometimes I have a huge breakfast because I know I'll be busy all day between split shifts and the gym and sometimes I eat light because I have dinner plans and I know I'll prob eat something a bit heavier. Today I was having tacos with some friends so I had strawberries, some almonds and of course my flax seed oil drank. I've been drinking a tsp of flaxseed mixed with some juice and water every morning to help keep me regular and lucky for me it has lots of other great benefits! 

So I'm eating quite well, committed at the gym and still sober so, yay me. I will definitely go back to drinking as the plan was never to give it up completely but I think it will be much different. I know I can't be drinking every weekend if I want to stay committed to the gym and eating healthy because it throws me way off being hungover so I'll be focusing on going out 2-4 times a month and my wallet will also be thanking me! 

As far as no boys is going I'm doing great. At this point I'm feeling so happy and independent. For all of 2014 I was so desperate to hang out with boys and to find a boyfriend and to not be alone and I longed to be in the place that I am now. Having arrived at this place of not wanting to date, not wanting to get involved in anything, not wanting to chase or talk to any boys... well, I just wish I had arrived here sooner. But I feel really great. No, I'm not writing it off forever but I'm just happy to be focused on myself (selfish, much?) and not stressing about any of that bullshit! 

What I'd love to hear about from you guys is what you like to do for work outs! I like really high intensity so if you have any awesome HIIT work outs or anything like that you think I'd like please share - no burpees please! I love when you share! 

Big Love,

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