Tuesday, August 26

It Happened To Me : I Was Unknowingly The Other Woman

I should probably start this post with an apology. I'm sorry I have been AWOL for the past 2-3 weeks. You know those times when I get emotionally constipated? Yeah. It's one of those times (tonight Im taking an emotional shit) If you're curious about weight watchers - I gained, I lost and then this week I barely lost with a big .1 loss (so much better than a gain though.) I've lost around 7lbs and really need to kick some ass before going to Florida and that's just the truth.  Anyways.. so not whats on my mind tonight but I totally owed anyone who follows my weight loss stuff the truth.

Tonight I looked at my cousin during one of our serious life chats about the shitty men in our lives and I asked, "Would it be totally crazy if I blogged about that time I was the other woman?". She looked at me as if she was trying to figure out an honest answer that wasn't "Yes, it's totally fucking insane, you nut case.". The truth is that it's crazy. It's not that I would lie about it but most people don't go writing all over the world wide web, that is available to absolutely everyone, that they were "The Other Woman"..it's just not what people do.

But this is my blog and I'm not like other people. This is my blog where I am so intensely honest about so much crazy shit that it has felt almost wrong leaving this chunk of my life out of  it - a chunk that has shook me to my core and shaped my self worth into a large, poisonous beast. This is my place.. my place to be bailey, for better or for worse and my place where I have found so much solace and connection and peace by laying it all out on the table for whoever feels like reading.

So I said fuck it.

I met Sam* years ago and though we hit it off and had a few interesting conversations, I never saw anything panning out with him. I had a boyfriend with whom at the time I absolutely adored and Sam turned into just some guy I had on my facebook - someone I never saw again after we met. After my devastating break up and a move to Saint John which he was aware of he began to ask me to hang out and I wasn't particularly interested. I had been warned, by people who cared about me aka people I should have fucking listened to, that hanging out with Sam was not a good idea and I believed them but was very weak and naive.

I was headstrong at first because though he claimed to be single and very interested in hanging out with me, I knew people were warning me for a reason and had learned in my past relationship that you can't really trust anyone. On top of that, I was not particularly interested and found he came on just a bit too strong for my liking. But I was lonely, very lonely and extremely vulnerable, so I eventually succumbed and started hanging out with him once in a while. A couple of my friends met him and liked him which made me feel like maybe I shouldn't be such a hard ass.. maybe he was a good guy, maybe I was a bit too callous from my last relationship.

I will be honest - I got very lucky and never fell for this guy, praise the sweet baby Jesus. I did enjoy him as a person though and I certainly had a bit of an attachment to the attention I was given and so not use to after being single for almost a year. The signs started to show though.. this guy had something going on. It was the little things I started noticing - girly things in his car, ignoring phones calls and a facebook profile that was just a BIT too private ( serious tell-tale signs ladies and gents.. be smart!) Then he admitted there was an "ex".. I knew I was in too deep, I knew I was in trouble.

Then, after not hearing from him for a couple days it happened - I saw them together. My heart did not break for myself.. my heart broke for her, a girl who most likely genuinely cared about him. Though I did NOT have sex with him (I really didn't), I felt more guilt than I had ever had in my life. Did she know? Was she hurt? Though we didn't have sex, no one wants their boyfriend hanging out with another girl and they definitely don't want him saying he's single to other girls. Then I felt even more guilty when (very) few times I had contact with him, knowing for sure that he had a girlfriend, choosing to stupidly believe the lies about break ups and villainous stories of her.

It was a short lived, confusing time in my life. Eventually we stopped having any contact and it has been months since I spoke to him. I started seeing them out together more and occasionally I saw only her and I would feel sick for days after. I eventually knew that she knew about me and we did end up briefly talking. She told my cousin she hated me and wanted to hit me.. if you know me, you know I would not fair well if someone hit me... I'd panic and probably cry. She was way too cordial to me for not ever having heard my side of the story and I'm grateful for that. After all, my face is the money maker. Just kidding.

A couple weeks later I got my chance and we talked. After a scuffle between Sam* and his girlfriend that I happened upon, I approached her. I stayed outside the bar with her, even knowing she most likely had a deep hate for me, and we were very honest with each other.  She told me about the other versions of me that were currently inside the bar, that he had bought drinks for that night, right in front of her.  I sat with her and told her profusely how much better she deserved, how sorry I was and someday I hope she too will see how much better she deserves to be treated and I hope he will see it too. I will never stop feeling guilty, I will never be okay with it, but I know now that she knows I would do anything to go back and change everything and I would've never knowingly hurt her or anyone else. I've been her.. and the the fact that I have now been the other girl just really fucks with my head.

Deep down you hope that the girlfriend is awful.. you hope she is ugly, you hope she is evil, you hope she treats him more badly than he treats her and that you will never see her as a human with feelings who loves someone. Instead she's beautiful, smart and you feel absolutely awful that you somehow caused her pain because you see how desperately in love she is and you remember how inexplicably painful it is to be in her shoes. Then you feel thankful she didn't punch you in the fucking head.

As for me... I'm pretty fucked up from it. You go from a guy making you feel like maybe you're pretty and maybe you're fun to be around and maybe you're worthy of being a girlfriend to feeling like you're just some disgusting, pathetic, desperate piece of shit that a guy picked out of a crowd when he needed extra attention outside of his relationship. The truth is that I'm not special and after that night at the bar, when she told me of the girl inside he was buying drinks for, I knew it could've been anyone and it was simply my misfortune that it had to be me. Though I didn't wish for him to have feelings for me it still felt like shit.. I had never felt so worthless.

My self esteem has taken a huge hit. I have always tried to be a kind, thoughtful, honest person and a kind, thoughtful, honest woman doesn't have inappropriate relationships with men or women in serious relationships. I worry that deep down I'm not as good of a person as I thought I was and as I want to be and I have really tried to improve myself as a person since this happened.

As a girl who is bigger I already worry enough about my body and now I wonder if men just see me as a cheap, easy, thrill. Do they think I'm easy? Do they think I'll sleep with anyone because I must have a hard enough time getting men to sleep with me let alone be able to find guy who wants to take me on a date, treat me well and have a relationship with me?

The truth is that I can't get anyone to take me on a date. I can't find a guy who likes my body or will suffer through it on a couple of dates. And I know there are men who like bigger girls but I haven't come across very many and believe me, it's not easy to.

This weekend a guy gave me some surprising advice. He told me that men are shallow, to which I enthusiastically agreed, and he told me to be patient. He said I was gorgeous, and awesome and eventually I'm going to find a perfect guy for me, he's going to love me for me and that will be that.

I've decided to grow from my experience being the other woman. I've decided to take this guys much appreciated advice (that I really really am so thankful for) and I've decided to be much more choosy with the men I choose to invest my time and effort into. I have a habit of attracting men like Sam - men who see my vulnerability, men who sense my lack of self esteem and men who are going to take advantage of the fact that I have a big heart and just want to love anyone and let anyone into my life and hope for the best.

I deleted a LOT of people from my phone, a couple from my facebook and have made a serious pact with myself to start respecting myself and to stop casually sleeping with the guy who can't even answer "Are you okay" messages when I find out he's been hurt. Caring about people who don't even respect you enough to reply to your messages is too hard on the damn head.

I'm going to stop hoping for the best with men and realize that until they've proven themselves to me, I have no reason to trust them or believe they want anything from me besides sex and a quick goodbye while remaining open to the fact that someday I am going to find a GOOD man who loves me for me and doesn't "suffer through" my body. Because Sam was not the only man with a significant other who I've hung out with or talked to to later find out he was not single. Some men (and women) absolutely suck..100%...I'm surprised I don't hate men as a whole, not going to lie.

I will not be sleeping with anyone casually (I have only slept with 3 people so it's not like it's something I do on the reg) and I will be requiring dates and talking and connecting before other parts connect. Although I am a fan of sex and so not against casual sex, its just not what Im looking for and I'm ready for a healthy relationship with someone who is single.. (crazy idea, I know).

I totally need to start loving myself. I need to start respecting myself. I need to cliche it up and "do me" and believe that the guy I talked to this weekend knew what he was talking about and hope that a good guy comes along and thinks Im worth it. I'm kinda hoping for it sooner than later..just sayin'.

Most of all I need to forgive myself. I cannot take the entire blame for what happened because some people just plain suck and although I made a couple mistakes, I never meant to hurt anyone and I will do everything in my power to make sure I never hurt someone like that again. I am so lucky to have her forgiveness - she is truly an awesome person and her giving me the chance to give her my side of things was not something she had to do and I am forever grateful for that chance. It has helped me heal so much and I hope she finds the happiness she deserves.

So friends, I hope you aren't judging me for this and I am so thankful I have such an accepting awesome following that I feel comfortable enough to admit this too. I hope you will hold me accountable for my pacts and promises I have made to myself tonight. They say fake it til you make it  and I am going to fake loving myself, my body and fake feeling like I deserve an awesome relationship until it's all the truth to me. Life is too short to be at war with yourself and it's high time I find some peace with Bailey J.

Big love to you all.. I love you so much,
Bailey J

*Names were changed and I won't be disclosing any real names of anyone mentioned in this post. 

Sunday, August 3

Weigh In [Week 2]

I'm a little late posting this, my bad, but I worked all weekend and I tend to sleep on my work breaks (even though I come home with every intention to clean, cook, write or read).

Anyways, yesterday Kristy (my cousin who goes to WW with me) called around 10 and asked if I wanted to go weigh in early then grab a bite to eat. We had gone out the night before so I was more than happy to grab some food asap. The weigh in went well - I was down 2.2lbs and like I said in my last post I'm more than happy with a 2lb loss (or any loss) after a big first week!

So now I am down a total of 8.1lbs since joining weight watchers and feeling wonderful about it. My weekend was pretty off track so I know I need to refocus and have a solid week. If I want to reach my goal of losing 20lbs before we head to Florida then I need to be super focused and on track. I have 11.9lbs to lose in 6 weeks and 2lbs a week would be a super steady and impressive weight loss. If you've followed my blog before it's usually anything but steady... its always up and down for me so I have to be hardcore. Im really motivated though and I know if I stick to the plan I can get there.

This week I'm challenging myself to be a little more creative and find some fun and healthy recipes so I don't get bored of my meals. I am so not a cook so I'm pretty basic but I don't want to eat the same thing every day so I need to suck it up and whip something easy up. Any ideas? Please comment!

Thanks to everyone who has been supporting me the last couple of weeks - it means so much to me! If you have advice to give or a story to share - anything! - please do not hesitate to message me because I love connecting with my readers!

Big Love,
Bailey J 

Thursday, July 31

Temptations At Home

I've wrote on my blog about how comfortable I am on Grand Manan at my parents home -it is my safe place and where I feel most myself. This is a wonderful thing but when it comes to dieting it is not so wonderful - it has almost as many temptations for me as Taco Bell does.

When I'm in the city I find I can be quite strict and on track even though technically there would be many more options for cheating. I don't bring junk food into my home and luckily for me my roommate eats healthy as well (except she looks like a fitness model and I look like .. well....not a fitness model). If I try hard I can avoid the delicious food at work and lucky for me I'm not a big fast food person - my rule is that I must never go through a drive through alone as to not make it a habit. So fast food is a once in a while, at 3am kind of a thing for me..not much of a temptation.

But at home.. oh boy, at home. There is currently doritos, cheesecake, swedish berries and a big bowl of spaghetti here and those are just the things I've picked out in the last 12 hours - I could find way more if I looked. Theres also a large jar of rhubarb punch mix - my favorite - just waiting for me in the fridge. It's so hard!

Now just to be clear - this is not to sabotage me. This is my parents home and I'm only here for a visit every once in a while. It's their food and they didn't just buy it because they knew I was coming home. My mother bought tons of fruit and veggies and cooked me a delicious meal last night (I posted it on instagram which you should totally follow me on : beejsmallz) and is SO supportive of me every time I try to lose weight which has been hundreds of times. But it's still hard because although there is healthy food I want all the shitty food!

So today I woke up and I had some fruit and guzzled some water. I went to get my nails done then as I drove up the island I day dreamed about all the different things I could eat at my favorite restaurants on the island and when I got to my house I entertained the thought of warming up that huge bowl of spaghetti and inhaling it. Instead of eating those things though, I thought about my weigh in saturday and decided to have the best of both worlds - I put together a plate of salad and chicken and gave myself 3/4C of the spaghetti to satisfy the craving.

Some people would consider this a win, some would consider it a loss. I'm considering it a win - I'm just not at a place where I can totally avoid everything I love and make 100% on point eating decisions yet. The fact that I didn't go and get garlic fingers and actually had something healthy is a huge win. Also, like I've mentioned more than once, I never want to live without all the things I love and I stand by that - if I want some spaghetti, Im gonna eat some.

This losing weight thing is not easy, as many of you may know. In fact it's a very hard and emotional journey and there's good days and bad days and I'm just thankful I have this blog to come to when I'm struggling or triumphing or whatever it is I need an outlet for and I thank you, the readers, for being there to listen. You're the best!

So Saturday is my weigh in and I'm feeling good about it. In the weight loss world it's well known that week 2 can be weak sometimes as far as weight loss goes and I'm prepared for that. I had a huge loss last Saturday and I'm not expecting another one like that and I'm prepared to not lose anything. I have had a pretty good week though, I've been keeping up with my goals of tracking better and drinking more water and I'd be quite happy with a 2lb loss though a 4lb loss would be even better, hahah.

So wish me luck and I'll fill you all in on Saturday!

Big Love,

Saturday, July 26

My first weigh in!

Yesterday I woke up feeling light. I was at my friends place in Fredericton and as I drove back to SJ I decided I was going to get on the scale. I know I shouldn't weigh myself at home when I'm getting weighed at weight watchers but since I had decided to wait a week and a half for my first weigh in I was anxious to see how I was doing. When I arrived home, I jumped on and was very pleased at the number on the scale.

Later that day I went to work, stayed within my points but still felt kinda yucky - I ate too much within a tiny time frame and I wont be doing that again. Then I started to get nervous - was I going to screw up my weigh in (which was today) by eating so much late in the day? The panic set in.

When I woke up this morning to get ready for my weigh in before work, I was nervous. I did a bad thing and I jumped on the scale which told me I had gained .6 (from my starting weight, not what I had seen yesterday). After 10 days of eating healthy and staying within my points had I really gained? I decided I didn't even want to go to my weigh in. How embarrassing woudl that be - my first week on WW and I gained?!

Then I told myself this is why I joined - to be accountable! So I went..and I was very thankful I did. Maybe I shouldn't leave my scale by the shower cause that thing was way off - I lost 5.9lbs! I was so happy and it was motivation to keep it up.

I am so thankful I made the decision to join and finally turn things around. I haven't been perfect - I have eaten chips, drank grown up drinks and dipped into some chocolate and cheese-ball one night but I have been staying within my points and eating so much better. I feel awesome and I even had someone comment that I look like I've lost a bit of weight which may not be true but it still feels good.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned on Tuesday that I have a goal of losing 20lbs by the time we go to Florida for my cousin Katies wedding. The date is September.18th that we leave and now I only have 14.1lbs to go and I really feel like I can do it if I stick to the plan. 14lbs in 7.5 weeks is doable but I need to be consistent so keep me on my toes, friends!

This weeks goals are to be more strict with my logging and drink more water! Check in next Saturday for my 2nd weigh in! And like I said on Tuesday, if you have any good weight loss blogs I should read please share! :)

Big love,

Tuesday, July 22

Changin' It Up

Before I start this post I just want to thank everyone for reading and sharing my last post. I was totally overwhelmed by how many people could relate and felt the same and shared and connected over my post. It was a blessing to be able to write something that helped people relate and helped me sort through all the confusing feelings following Danielles death. That post reached around 5000 people which is huge for my little blog. It's as if everything about her was far reaching and affected so many people...rest easy, Danielle.

How is everyone doing? I wasn't planning to do this post this soon but I have wifi and some crazy motivation so I decided to just come out with it and maybe it will help hold me accountable. Every time I've tried to get back on track and wrote about it on my blog I've given up and wrote a post about being back on track then never followed up with it and I hate that. I know that it's totally common - it's very hard to get back on track - but I don't like feeling like I look like a failure and Id much rather be an inspiration than someone who gives up all the time but alas, I have indeed given up many times. 

So when I made this decision last week I told myself I wasn't going to write about it or really tell people for a month because I wanted to make sure I was in it for the long haul.Today marks only week and I'm itching to write about it so here it is : I joined back up with Weight Watchers last week and I am getting this fucking weight off no matter what stands in my stupid way! I signed up at the Weight Watchers Clinic here - I am not doing it on my own, I am being held accountable and getting weighed every Saturday with Kristy and my plan is to kick some ass. 

So far it's been a good week. I had one cheat night but got right back on track - damn you, cheeseball. I'm not sure how I'm doing on the scale (it's my period week so Im trying not to totally discourage myself by looking and being up) but I feel awesome! For the first time in over a year on my period, I look in the mirror and feel better about how I look. Obviously I haven't lost any inches in a week but normally I look in the mirror and I have to cry it out and take a nap so this is a big step. 

Right now I'm feeling really good about my decision. I know myself and I know there has to be a kind of breaking point before I'm ready to actually commit. I have been thinking about it and thinking about it but the truth is that sometimes you're just not ready to give up the unlimited supply of guiltless oreos and you're not ready to face the fact that you're overeating by like 10x every single day. But I'm ready and Im facing it and I feel really motivated and ready to make the appropriate sacrifices in order to feel better. 

My goals right now are small. I'd like to get back to the weight that I was when I lost it a couple of years ago. I'm not looking to be a size 4, I'm not looking to have a flat stomach and I don't plan on never eating cake again. I love food and I love going out to eat with my friends and drinking and laying on a couch eating chips and I will probably love those things forever and if I have to give up on ever being super thin in order to have those things once in a while then I will. I'm okay with never being thin and chances are I probably wont ever be super thin even if I tried really really hard so why torture myself? 

I just want to feel better in my clothes, do better things for my body and treat it with a bit more respect. I want to be more willing to get in pictures with my friends and look back on them and think "wow, that was so much fun" rather than "wow, I am disgusting". I want to have more confidence, like I used to and get back into working out because it made me feel powerful and energetic and happy. I'm not looking to be perfect.. I'm just looking to be better!

So I know I told you I joined a week ago but I didn't weigh in today.. I'm weighing in Saturday with my cousin. Saturdays will be my official weigh in day and I promise to update you all on my first week (week and a half technically) this weekend. I'm hoping for a big loss obviously, something to motivate the heck out of me, but honestly its just nice to feel good and shit normally again (major TMI, I know, but shitty normally is awesome when you usually dont). 

So I'll definitely need motivation and people checking in on me! If you ever want to shoot me a message and say, 'Are you on track today, Bail?, 'What did you have for lunch today?', or 'How was your weigh in?' please do! My mini goal is 20lbs off by the time I leave for my cousins wedding in Florida which is a huge goal so I really need to power through this next 2 months and I'll take any support I can! 

I'm also super out of the loop with weightloss blogs and such things so please leave me your own or leave me your favorites so I can be inspired by all you fabulous people!

Big Love,

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