Thursday, November 13

Help me, help Stephen!

So, have you heard Stephen Lewis' story yet? I know it's floating around pretty rapidly at this point. If you have seen it I know that you are just as impressed and inspired as the rest of us are! If not, please keep reading! Actually, just sit back, relaxed and get inspired!

WOW, right? If that doesn't inspire you, I don't know what will! What an amazing story that is so worth sharing. Tomorrow is Stephens birthday but there really was no point in waiting to spread the word until his birthday as his story is already getting coverage by the big times such as CBC - incredible. I know I won't be able to reach as many people as CBC through my blog but I figure with between my 400 followers, 400 FB likes, 400 twitter followers and 400 instagram followers maybe ONE person will hear this story and be inspired to change their life which is what its all about.

So now it's your turn to spread Stephens amazing story and give him the best 25th birthday gift ever.
Happy Birthday Stephen!

Big Love,

Thursday, October 9

the most painful month of my life.

I was reading an article on the other night about a woman not much older than me who almost died from an appendicitis. Like me, she was in pain but thought she was fine and fought through her pain instead of getting it checked out. She was eventually forced to go to the hospital (at which point she could barely even walk anymore) and it was so bad that she had to be hospitalized for a month as her appendix burst and the infection had spread, dissolving her appendix which left a hole in her colon.

Now, what I've been through in the past month is definitely not that bad, not even close but I wanted to quickly share my story to urge someone who might be going through the same kind of pain or any kind of pain, to get shit checked. Just toughing it out because it's easier and cheaper to act like nothing is wrong and take way too many tylenol every day is definitely not a good decision I've learned.

4-5 weeks ago I started feeling a dull ache in my teeth and figured I was getting a cavity. I ignored it, made an extra effort to brush and went on my way. After a couple of days the pain had started to spread through my face and was a bit hard to handle at times. It wasn't constant but when it came it was really uncomfortable. I had had a sinus infection before so I figured I had one coming, ignored it, and moved on with my life.

After a week of dull pain, it progressed to full fledged agony. I know, I know, you're like "agony, Bailey? Really?", because it sounds dramatic but it was one of the worst pains I had ever experienced in my life. The pain stretched from the bottom of my jaw to my cheek bone and throbbed. Cold made it worse, heat made it worse, laying down made it worse and basically being conscious made it worse.

The day the pain got worse was a Friday and I was at work. I remember crying between tables and going to my customers with tears in my eyes, trying my best to keep it together. I felt like a huge baby because I knew I sounded crazy.. "my face hurts.. I don't know how to explain it.. I think I have a sinus infection". Well take some sinutab and call it a day Bail, Jesus. I felt like a total drama queen.

That afternoon I left work early and bought sinutab day and night, tylenol sinus and some aleve - I was convinced I just had another sinus infection and all I needed to do was get my sinuses to drain and relieve the pressure. I'd had at least 4 sinus infections at this point - I was an old pro, bring on the saline mist! I started popping the pills like skittles and was able to numb the pain. The nights were worse but I was able to sleep, eating wasn't easy but I was able to tolerate what was room temperature.

Although all the things I was taking were helping the pain, it definitely was not getting better or going away. If I didn't keep on top of it, I was in pretty intense pain for about an hour until whatever I eventually took kicked in. I knew I needed to either go to the ER or a walk in clinic but it all seemed like a bit too much energy and I figured I could take it. I was wrong.

By Tuesday I was at the point where I was crying because I was so tired from not being able to sleep and so tired of being in pain. I made an appointment for Wednesday at a walk in clinic and was excited at the hope of some relief. Little did I know it would be a long time before I felt that. The doctor at the walk in told me I didnt have a sinus infection, it was just a bit of congestion and I should take some hot showers and some saline and I should be fine. I was adament that I was in a SERIOUS amount of pain and that I thought I had a sinus infection so she prescribed me antiobiotics and told me if the pain didnt go away by Saturday to start a round of them.

Do you think the pain was gone by saturday? Definitely not. At this point I was starting to panic as I was headed to my cousins wedding in Florida in 5 days and had little to no desire to either be in agony on the plane from the pressure or to spend my vacation totally miserable. I started the antibiotics and hoped for the best and to be honest, it did seem to be under control and I had hope that I was right all along and the antibiotics were cleaning up my sinus infection as planned.

The first couple days in Florida were good. I took tylenol every once in a while to keep things feelin good and I was happy to be pain free during Vacation. At about Day 4 everything went downhill and I realized that I definitely did not have a sinus infection and the antiobiotics were definitely not working. I was in so much pain and I could not keep it under control. I wasn't able to sleep, I could barely even lean back and I was in more pain than I would ever have thought I could've handled before then.

Until you experience this pain, you really don't get it. I had moments in that couple of days where I wasn't sure if I could hold my shit together anymore - it was pain that made me feel as though I would've rather been dead than suffer through it any longer. My cousin got me in with her dentist the morning after we arrived home from Florida and I felt like it was my last option.

Luckily, after some xrays my dentist was able to determine what was going on in this crazy face of mine. He only said it once and I tried my best to listen and this is what I got from it : I had a cavity (that had once been filled but something went wrong apparently) in a tooth that was so bad it had gone to the root and my nerve was exposed which is obviously painful if the nerve gets irritated. Then there was the infection all through my face as a cherry on top. The dentist put me on the right antibiotics and some tylenol 3 and gave me the choice of a tooth extraction or a root canal.

In the end I ended up getting a root canal. The next 10 days were made tolerable with tylenol 3 and I was finally able to get some sleep but I can honestly say that the month with that pain was truly awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If I had just gone to the dentist in the first place I would've saved myself a lot of grief but I knew it was going to be expensive and I was just in total denial.

Some good came of this experience though. My brother showing up in the middle of the night on vacation and teaching me how to use a netty pot really showed me how much he loves me and also proved to be extremely entertaining. My friends and family doing everything they could for me and putting up with my bitching was very much appreciated - believe me, I know how much I bitched, I just wrote a whole post of bitching. And last but not least, my family coming together to help me pay for a root canal I really couldn't afford as I am not covered and not rich, made me feel like I always have people to lean on and I know how lucky that makes me. I am forever thankful for the amazing people in my life... I am ridiculously lucky.

This experience made me thankful for my health and next time Im in that much pain I will get it dealt with quick. I wanted to write because I haven't in a while and it felt really good to do so but also to inspire someone who might be concerned about something to go get it checked out. Whether you have a mole that seems weird, a mental health concern you feel you should talk to someone about or just an itchy kooka - go get it checked out because it's better safe than sorry!

Life feels extra good now. I can drink ice cold water and not feel a thing - you really take it for granted until it causes you excruciating pain! :)

Until next time,

Tuesday, August 26

It Happened To Me : I Was Unknowingly The Other Woman

I should probably start this post with an apology. I'm sorry I have been AWOL for the past 2-3 weeks. You know those times when I get emotionally constipated? Yeah. It's one of those times (tonight Im taking an emotional shit) If you're curious about weight watchers - I gained, I lost and then this week I barely lost with a big .1 loss (so much better than a gain though.) I've lost around 7lbs and really need to kick some ass before going to Florida and that's just the truth.  Anyways.. so not whats on my mind tonight but I totally owed anyone who follows my weight loss stuff the truth.

Tonight I looked at my cousin during one of our serious life chats about the shitty men in our lives and I asked, "Would it be totally crazy if I blogged about that time I was the other woman?". She looked at me as if she was trying to figure out an honest answer that wasn't "Yes, it's totally fucking insane, you nut case.". The truth is that it's crazy. It's not that I would lie about it but most people don't go writing all over the world wide web, that is available to absolutely everyone, that they were "The Other Woman"'s just not what people do.

But this is my blog and I'm not like other people. This is my blog where I am so intensely honest about so much crazy shit that it has felt almost wrong leaving this chunk of my life out of  it - a chunk that has shook me to my core and shaped my self worth into a large, poisonous beast. This is my place.. my place to be bailey, for better or for worse and my place where I have found so much solace and connection and peace by laying it all out on the table for whoever feels like reading.

So I said fuck it.

I met Sam* years ago and though we hit it off and had a few interesting conversations, I never saw anything panning out with him. I had a boyfriend with whom at the time I absolutely adored and Sam turned into just some guy I had on my facebook - someone I never saw again after we met. After my devastating break up and a move to Saint John which he was aware of he began to ask me to hang out and I wasn't particularly interested. I had been warned, by people who cared about me aka people I should have fucking listened to, that hanging out with Sam was not a good idea and I believed them but was very weak and naive.

I was headstrong at first because though he claimed to be single and very interested in hanging out with me, I knew people were warning me for a reason and had learned in my past relationship that you can't really trust anyone. On top of that, I was not particularly interested and found he came on just a bit too strong for my liking. But I was lonely, very lonely and extremely vulnerable, so I eventually succumbed and started hanging out with him once in a while. A couple of my friends met him and liked him which made me feel like maybe I shouldn't be such a hard ass.. maybe he was a good guy, maybe I was a bit too callous from my last relationship.

I will be honest - I got very lucky and never fell for this guy, praise the sweet baby Jesus. I did enjoy him as a person though and I certainly had a bit of an attachment to the attention I was given and so not use to after being single for almost a year. The signs started to show though.. this guy had something going on. It was the little things I started noticing - girly things in his car, ignoring phones calls and a facebook profile that was just a BIT too private ( serious tell-tale signs ladies and gents.. be smart!) Then he admitted there was an "ex".. I knew I was in too deep, I knew I was in trouble.

Then, after not hearing from him for a couple days it happened - I saw them together. My heart did not break for myself.. my heart broke for her, a girl who most likely genuinely cared about him. Though I did NOT have sex with him (I really didn't), I felt more guilt than I had ever had in my life. Did she know? Was she hurt? Though we didn't have sex, no one wants their boyfriend hanging out with another girl and they definitely don't want him saying he's single to other girls. Then I felt even more guilty when (very) few times I had contact with him, knowing for sure that he had a girlfriend, choosing to stupidly believe the lies about break ups and villainous stories of her.

It was a short lived, confusing time in my life. Eventually we stopped having any contact and it has been months since I spoke to him. I started seeing them out together more and occasionally I saw only her and I would feel sick for days after. I eventually knew that she knew about me and we did end up briefly talking. She told my cousin she hated me and wanted to hit me.. if you know me, you know I would not fair well if someone hit me... I'd panic and probably cry. She was way too cordial to me for not ever having heard my side of the story and I'm grateful for that. After all, my face is the money maker. Just kidding.

A couple weeks later I got my chance and we talked. After a scuffle between Sam* and his girlfriend that I happened upon, I approached her. I stayed outside the bar with her, even knowing she most likely had a deep hate for me, and we were very honest with each other.  She told me about the other versions of me that were currently inside the bar, that he had bought drinks for that night, right in front of her.  I sat with her and told her profusely how much better she deserved, how sorry I was and someday I hope she too will see how much better she deserves to be treated and I hope he will see it too. I will never stop feeling guilty, I will never be okay with it, but I know now that she knows I would do anything to go back and change everything and I would've never knowingly hurt her or anyone else. I've been her.. and the the fact that I have now been the other girl just really fucks with my head.

Deep down you hope that the girlfriend is awful.. you hope she is ugly, you hope she is evil, you hope she treats him more badly than he treats her and that you will never see her as a human with feelings who loves someone. Instead she's beautiful, smart and you feel absolutely awful that you somehow caused her pain because you see how desperately in love she is and you remember how inexplicably painful it is to be in her shoes. Then you feel thankful she didn't punch you in the fucking head.

As for me... I'm pretty fucked up from it. You go from a guy making you feel like maybe you're pretty and maybe you're fun to be around and maybe you're worthy of being a girlfriend to feeling like you're just some disgusting, pathetic, desperate piece of shit that a guy picked out of a crowd when he needed extra attention outside of his relationship. The truth is that I'm not special and after that night at the bar, when she told me of the girl inside he was buying drinks for, I knew it could've been anyone and it was simply my misfortune that it had to be me. Though I didn't wish for him to have feelings for me it still felt like shit.. I had never felt so worthless.

My self esteem has taken a huge hit. I have always tried to be a kind, thoughtful, honest person and a kind, thoughtful, honest woman doesn't have inappropriate relationships with men or women in serious relationships. I worry that deep down I'm not as good of a person as I thought I was and as I want to be and I have really tried to improve myself as a person since this happened.

As a girl who is bigger I already worry enough about my body and now I wonder if men just see me as a cheap, easy, thrill. Do they think I'm easy? Do they think I'll sleep with anyone because I must have a hard enough time getting men to sleep with me let alone be able to find guy who wants to take me on a date, treat me well and have a relationship with me?

The truth is that I can't get anyone to take me on a date. I can't find a guy who likes my body or will suffer through it on a couple of dates. And I know there are men who like bigger girls but I haven't come across very many and believe me, it's not easy to.

This weekend a guy gave me some surprising advice. He told me that men are shallow, to which I enthusiastically agreed, and he told me to be patient. He said I was gorgeous, and awesome and eventually I'm going to find a perfect guy for me, he's going to love me for me and that will be that.

I've decided to grow from my experience being the other woman. I've decided to take this guys much appreciated advice (that I really really am so thankful for) and I've decided to be much more choosy with the men I choose to invest my time and effort into. I have a habit of attracting men like Sam - men who see my vulnerability, men who sense my lack of self esteem and men who are going to take advantage of the fact that I have a big heart and just want to love anyone and let anyone into my life and hope for the best.

I deleted a LOT of people from my phone, a couple from my facebook and have made a serious pact with myself to start respecting myself and to stop casually sleeping with the guy who can't even answer "Are you okay" messages when I find out he's been hurt. Caring about people who don't even respect you enough to reply to your messages is too hard on the damn head.

I'm going to stop hoping for the best with men and realize that until they've proven themselves to me, I have no reason to trust them or believe they want anything from me besides sex and a quick goodbye while remaining open to the fact that someday I am going to find a GOOD man who loves me for me and doesn't "suffer through" my body. Because Sam was not the only man with a significant other who I've hung out with or talked to to later find out he was not single. Some men (and women) absolutely suck..100%...I'm surprised I don't hate men as a whole, not going to lie.

I will not be sleeping with anyone casually (I have only slept with 3 people so it's not like it's something I do on the reg) and I will be requiring dates and talking and connecting before other parts connect. Although I am a fan of sex and so not against casual sex, its just not what Im looking for and I'm ready for a healthy relationship with someone who is single.. (crazy idea, I know).

I totally need to start loving myself. I need to start respecting myself. I need to cliche it up and "do me" and believe that the guy I talked to this weekend knew what he was talking about and hope that a good guy comes along and thinks Im worth it. I'm kinda hoping for it sooner than later..just sayin'.

Most of all I need to forgive myself. I cannot take the entire blame for what happened because some people just plain suck and although I made a couple mistakes, I never meant to hurt anyone and I will do everything in my power to make sure I never hurt someone like that again. I am so lucky to have her forgiveness - she is truly an awesome person and her giving me the chance to give her my side of things was not something she had to do and I am forever grateful for that chance. It has helped me heal so much and I hope she finds the happiness she deserves.

So friends, I hope you aren't judging me for this and I am so thankful I have such an accepting awesome following that I feel comfortable enough to admit this too. I hope you will hold me accountable for my pacts and promises I have made to myself tonight. They say fake it til you make it  and I am going to fake loving myself, my body and fake feeling like I deserve an awesome relationship until it's all the truth to me. Life is too short to be at war with yourself and it's high time I find some peace with Bailey J.

Big love to you all.. I love you so much,
Bailey J

*Names were changed and I won't be disclosing any real names of anyone mentioned in this post. 

Sunday, August 3

Weigh In [Week 2]

I'm a little late posting this, my bad, but I worked all weekend and I tend to sleep on my work breaks (even though I come home with every intention to clean, cook, write or read).

Anyways, yesterday Kristy (my cousin who goes to WW with me) called around 10 and asked if I wanted to go weigh in early then grab a bite to eat. We had gone out the night before so I was more than happy to grab some food asap. The weigh in went well - I was down 2.2lbs and like I said in my last post I'm more than happy with a 2lb loss (or any loss) after a big first week!

So now I am down a total of 8.1lbs since joining weight watchers and feeling wonderful about it. My weekend was pretty off track so I know I need to refocus and have a solid week. If I want to reach my goal of losing 20lbs before we head to Florida then I need to be super focused and on track. I have 11.9lbs to lose in 6 weeks and 2lbs a week would be a super steady and impressive weight loss. If you've followed my blog before it's usually anything but steady... its always up and down for me so I have to be hardcore. Im really motivated though and I know if I stick to the plan I can get there.

This week I'm challenging myself to be a little more creative and find some fun and healthy recipes so I don't get bored of my meals. I am so not a cook so I'm pretty basic but I don't want to eat the same thing every day so I need to suck it up and whip something easy up. Any ideas? Please comment!

Thanks to everyone who has been supporting me the last couple of weeks - it means so much to me! If you have advice to give or a story to share - anything! - please do not hesitate to message me because I love connecting with my readers!

Big Love,
Bailey J 

Thursday, July 31

Temptations At Home

I've wrote on my blog about how comfortable I am on Grand Manan at my parents home -it is my safe place and where I feel most myself. This is a wonderful thing but when it comes to dieting it is not so wonderful - it has almost as many temptations for me as Taco Bell does.

When I'm in the city I find I can be quite strict and on track even though technically there would be many more options for cheating. I don't bring junk food into my home and luckily for me my roommate eats healthy as well (except she looks like a fitness model and I look like .. well....not a fitness model). If I try hard I can avoid the delicious food at work and lucky for me I'm not a big fast food person - my rule is that I must never go through a drive through alone as to not make it a habit. So fast food is a once in a while, at 3am kind of a thing for me..not much of a temptation.

But at home.. oh boy, at home. There is currently doritos, cheesecake, swedish berries and a big bowl of spaghetti here and those are just the things I've picked out in the last 12 hours - I could find way more if I looked. Theres also a large jar of rhubarb punch mix - my favorite - just waiting for me in the fridge. It's so hard!

Now just to be clear - this is not to sabotage me. This is my parents home and I'm only here for a visit every once in a while. It's their food and they didn't just buy it because they knew I was coming home. My mother bought tons of fruit and veggies and cooked me a delicious meal last night (I posted it on instagram which you should totally follow me on : beejsmallz) and is SO supportive of me every time I try to lose weight which has been hundreds of times. But it's still hard because although there is healthy food I want all the shitty food!

So today I woke up and I had some fruit and guzzled some water. I went to get my nails done then as I drove up the island I day dreamed about all the different things I could eat at my favorite restaurants on the island and when I got to my house I entertained the thought of warming up that huge bowl of spaghetti and inhaling it. Instead of eating those things though, I thought about my weigh in saturday and decided to have the best of both worlds - I put together a plate of salad and chicken and gave myself 3/4C of the spaghetti to satisfy the craving.

Some people would consider this a win, some would consider it a loss. I'm considering it a win - I'm just not at a place where I can totally avoid everything I love and make 100% on point eating decisions yet. The fact that I didn't go and get garlic fingers and actually had something healthy is a huge win. Also, like I've mentioned more than once, I never want to live without all the things I love and I stand by that - if I want some spaghetti, Im gonna eat some.

This losing weight thing is not easy, as many of you may know. In fact it's a very hard and emotional journey and there's good days and bad days and I'm just thankful I have this blog to come to when I'm struggling or triumphing or whatever it is I need an outlet for and I thank you, the readers, for being there to listen. You're the best!

So Saturday is my weigh in and I'm feeling good about it. In the weight loss world it's well known that week 2 can be weak sometimes as far as weight loss goes and I'm prepared for that. I had a huge loss last Saturday and I'm not expecting another one like that and I'm prepared to not lose anything. I have had a pretty good week though, I've been keeping up with my goals of tracking better and drinking more water and I'd be quite happy with a 2lb loss though a 4lb loss would be even better, hahah.

So wish me luck and I'll fill you all in on Saturday!

Big Love,

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