Friday, May 1

Why I Finally Quit POF.. For Good!

Tonight for the first time in a month, I logged onto POF. Let me start by saying I've logged back onto POF many times after many hiatuses. I've had multiple accounts (at different times) and whenever I deleted them, I knew deep downit was a "I need a break...for now" kind of deal.

In the past 2 years I've talked to hundreds and hundreds of men between POF and Tinder and if we're being totally honest, I maybe talked to 10 decent human beings. So tonight when I logged on, it was to delete my account and to delete it for good.

The last time I logged onto POF before tonight, like I said, was maybe a little over a month ago. I had met a guy I was interested in who seemed to be pursuing me more than any other guy I'd met recently. Once we went to text, I really had no need for POF anymore. When things went south with us after a couple of dates I was exhausted and didn't feel the need or have the energy to sign on and meet any more guys who were totally wrong for me. So I didn't.

I continued to chat with a couple of guys who I had met on POF but hadn't gone on dates with. One guy in particular, who seemed way too good looking to be on POF let alone be interested in me, paid an out of the ordinary amount of attention to me. He was dull and superficial but I thought he was hot and it was nice to feel pretty so I continued to talk to him and question him straight up if he really was who he said he was. After searching and searching and searching, I finally proved what I had thought all along : I was being cat fished. That was a breaking point for me : I could never subject myself to this POF bullshit again. I deleted the app on my phone and had not logged on until tonight.

I went on today just to make it final. To delete that account.. to have nothing to go to when Im feeling lonely and desperately single. And believe me.. I feel desperate. I'm crazy lonely and in a place where I want to commit to someone and have a (healthy) relationship. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, whichever way you choose to see it, my standards are quite high when it comes to the guy I want to be in  relationship with. There's no men in general knocking down my door for a date but if there were, I wouldn't be choosing just anyone who looked at me twice. I'm not being picky.. I just want to avoid wasting mine or anyone else's time.

I'm ready for a healthy relationship with a decent guy. Yes, I want a guy with a job. Yes, I want a guy who can provide for himself - I'll take care of me, you take care of you. Yes, I want to be pursued  and taken on a fucking date for once! I'll even pay half. I don't know if men are afraid to be seen with me in public or think they can just get into my pants without any effort but I have been on very few actual dates.. do other people go on dates? Is this a thing?! Sorry guys, you're not gettin up in this the first night you make time to sit on your couch and hang out with me. Take me on a couple dates for fucks sakes.. put some back into it.

I deleted POF because I'm not going to meet the kind of guy Im looking for on there. There may be some good guys on POF, that's not what I'm saying, I'm just no good at attracting them! I'm also not saying that you can't meet the guy you're looking for but I am saying that if you DO meet a decent guy or gal who is compatible with you and meets your standards through POF or Tinder - you, my friend, are the fucking EXCEPTION.

Ever seen 'He's Just Not That Into You'? I have a couple hundred times. I have to watch it often to remind myself not to text guys who don't ever text me because if they wanted to see me, they'd text me and they'd make it happen. And it also teaches me in a twisted way that yes, people find great women and men on POF and Tinder and even at the bar but they are exceptions to the rule..and I am not.

I want to meet someone organically and people just don't do that anymore. I am holding out hope though.. I will eventually meet a good guy, however it is we are suppose to meet, and I'm not going to be using POF or Tinder to meet him. I am more lonesome than I've ever been.. I admitted tonight at work that I'd go on a date with the 17 year old take out boy. This is not an excuse to give into POF just because 50 men would messge me tonight when I made a profile and make me feel a little better for half a second. Those 50 men would probably suck and Id be right back where I started.

So that's why I deleted POF and why I will remain single and lonely for the next couple months or years or decades..who fuckin knows?! I don't. But I know Im actually saving myself a lot of time, emotions and even heart ache by ditching POF.

Now, if you use it and enjoy it.. no worries. I'm not dissing you and you do your thang - everyone has a different experience. But would I recommend it to people my age? Not really.. not if you're looking for anything real. Thats just me..

Big Love,
Bailey 

Thursday, April 30

Suzi Storm and Gold Jeans

Here I am again, at my workplace, stealing the wifi to get some writing in. I've had a couple bad days over the past week or so and I knew I had to come in and decompress. I'm not in a place where I really feel like going into details but I guess I've just been really lonely and down and writing usually helps me feel better.

Today I read a post by one of my favorite weight loss bloggers, Suzi Storm. I started reading her blog a couple years ago when she was losing 101 lbs with Weight Watchers. Since then I've followed her as she gained 100+ back, is now re-losing (shes lost over 90lbs!) and oh yeah, she has been sober for over a year now. She's a huge inspiration to me as I have lost, gained, relost, regained... you get the idea.

In her post titled "The Art Of (Re)Losing" she wrote this :

"These pounds lost now are smarter…they are wiser…they are not na├»ve…they are not there purely for vanity…they are not there for acceptance.  They have given me knowledge that I thought I knew before and have taught me things I didn’t even think I had to know.

(Re)losing is kind of a contradiction at the same time though. The biggest part of (re)losing is letting go of the past. Letting go of where you were and accepting where you are right now. It’s not focusing so much on where you want to be (which ideally is right back where you were) but where you are at that moment and how to make the next moment better."

This was something I needed to read and a way I have to start thinking of my reloss journey. I get caught up thinking about two things 1)Where I used to be and 2)How far I have to go. Lately some pictures have been popping up of when I weighed a lot less than I do now and I see now how good I looked and how happy I was. At that time I just wanted to keep losing and now I'd do anything to be that weight and maintain there. Getting to that point again is going to be a struggle and I find how far I have to go to be a bit overwhelming. When I started eating healthy again I was super casual about it and I've let myself become obsessive over it again and I need to not. 

Suzi is right. I need to let go of where I used to be and just focus on how I can be better right now and work towards being better in the future. Weight loss feels slow and like a waste of time sometimes when you don't see the scale move but deep down I know it's worth it and I have to keep working hard. The truth is that I look in the mirror and know I look different, I feel better and in the end the hard work does pay off.. I just need to be patient. 

Today I started week 4 of the Couch to 5k program. I keep thinking it's going to get easier but it doesn't - it just keeps getting more hellish. I've said it on here before and I'll say it again - I am so not a runner. When I say that and when I talk about how miserable running makes me everyone tells me to go to zumba or try a different machine. While that is certainly the best piece of advice there is for my problem, I can't help but stick to running. Running does wonderful things to my body and it makes me feel strong. I know that eventually I'll be in a place where going for a run is therapeutic and not a torture session but getting to that place is a pain in my ass... and thighs, back, shins and calves. 

As far as food goes, I eat pretty well. I generally stay away from junk food completely which is good stuff. Honestly though, it would be much more respectable if I was a super big junk food person but I'm not so much of a junk food eater as I am an over eater and a fast food eater and a pasta and pizza eater. While I certainly binge on my fair share of chips and cake, carby cheesy foods are my weakness. That being said, I'm generally staying away from those things too which is impressive considering I work at a pizza/spaghetti house. Good job, Bailey. 

In the run of the day I usually will have a breakfast of maybe fruit and granola or some banana pancakes (made with egg and banana and I actually prefer them to real pancakes) or some scrambled eggs with feta and tomato. Lunch and dinner could be a salad with chicken, quinoa salad, turkey burgers, stir fry, souvlaki, it really just depends. I try to eat lots of veggies and protein for the most part. I snack on low caloriepackaged treats, veggies, hummus, fruit, cheese, etc. I have cheats but sometimes I go a couple days without any which surprises me. 

I haven't lost anymore weight and my weight goes up and down a couple lbs through the week but Im trying not to stress over it. I think Im going to start tracking my food but I dont want to obsess over it or obsess over the scale - its something I have to constantly keep in check when Im losing weight.

I bought some goal jeans a couple week ago when I was shopping. It started out as "They only have these jeans in too small or too big for me, God Damnit" and became "these will be my goal jeans and I will have a way to track my progress without using the scale" They are a size 14 and I'm a 16/18 so it's something realistic to work towards. Funny note : for the past two weeks my cousin thought i was saying "Gold Pants" though which I find hilarious. Here is me in my "gold" pants : 

 

I love these jeans and I can't wait to wear them but I have 15-20lbs (maybe more) to go Id say before I can button them. My unrealistic goal is to fit into them when I go to see my best friend in Vancouver but that is in just under 7 weeks and it would take a miracle.. but I do believe in miracles! 

My question for you guys is this : how do you combat being obsessive over the scale, counting calories and/or points or even being obsessive over exercise? I can usually tell if Im being obsessive but I dont know how to stop myself. Any ideas? Thanks guys!

Big Love,
Bailey 

And to the person who left this comment : 



You made my fucking day. :) 


Monday, April 20

oh hey, blog.

Hello friends - its been a while, I know. A large reason I haven't been writing is the fact that I have no wifi. I don't open up my laptop and start typing very often anymore and Im not one to write using pen and paper so it just doesn't happen. I've had the urge, believe me..just haven't done it.  Honestly though, a huge reason I think I stopped writing was because I subconsciously put up a huge wall after receiving an insane negative comment on a blog I posted a couple of weeks before I stopped writing.

When I freely put my thoughts, opinions and feelings out there I have to accept that some people may not always like it or agree and will go as far as commenting negatively and letting me know just how much they don't like it. That's just how it goes. For the most part though, that hadn't ever happened yet and I've had this blog since high school. People are good to me - they comment and encourage me and blogging has been an awesome experience. When I received this particular comment I think it took me by surprise and made me pull back.

For a while I worried everyone or at least a portion of people felt the way this person felt and that I should no longer write about my life and experiences and opinions because it was just whiny and negative. The thing is though.. this is my blog and if I want to write about things that suck in my life, I will, and it's totally okay if no one reads it. If you don't like it, don't read it. Please, for the love of god, don't read it and complain about it if you dont like it! Just go away.

Writing is my therapy - writing about things that hurt or bother me is how I deal with them best. The reason I post and share is because I've found that people relate and understand to a lot of what I'm saying and sometimes its nice to not feel so alone when you're hurt and bothered by shit. It took me too long to realize I have to write anyway, even if people don't like it, but I get it now and I am going to try to write more often. :)

During my little hiatus not much has changed in my day to day life. I've been working a ton, my roommate sadly moved out, I don't drink very often anymore as I'm quite busy with work and I spend as much time with friends and family as I can. My love life is definitely the same but I am trying hard to not worry about boys and focus on being a version of me that I can really like and appreciate and I figure a dude might be able to like and appreciate me more when I can. I did hang out with a really lovely guy last week and it would be nice if that went somewhere as I felt a nice little click with us. It was really nice to just hang out with a guy who I could talk to and be comfortable around..and he ended up being a pretty good kisser too. But I'm going with the flow and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't and its all good.

Unfortunately this winter I found out that my dad has been diagnosed with Cancer. At first this was scary for me after seeing so many of my friends struggling with the heartbreak of having sick family this year. I knew it was coming - we were prepared that this was a possibility but you're never truly prepared to hear your dad tell you he has cancer. Fortunately, it's an early stage, low risk cancer and at this point the oncologist has decided to wait it out before taking action with treatments. We are all hopeful and positive and I trust things will be okay because I really don't know what else I'm suppose to do at this point.

Life has been a little funky for me lately. It is definitely not a bad life - I am blessed and I know that I'm just going through a bad stage. I just feel a little stuck and work has been draining me a bit, both physically and emotionally. I'm trying my best to pull myself out of it and I'm feeling positive that May will be a great month and June will be even better. May is a ton of exciting celebrations - birthdays and baby showers and the celebration of warm weather of course. Then in June 2 new babies will be coming into my life and I finally have a trip planned to visit my best friend in Vancouver. I am over the moon excited for this trip - I am counting down the days and I get giddy if I talk about it too much so I'll stop.

For now, I wake up every morning and try to go into my days with a good attitude. I'm eating healthy and have been back at the gym doing the Couch to 5k program and I'm feeling good. I've lost 12 lbs and that's pretty nice too. Going through ruts is easier when you're at least trying to feel your best to make life a little better and I really am trying. :)

So that's where I've been at in my head and what I've been doing. I feel a weight off my shoulders just having written this so that goes to show that I really do need to write more often. For now I'm off to make a grocery list, hit up the gym then fill my fridge with something other than ketchup and plum sauce.. classic.

Big Love,
Bailey J 

Wednesday, February 4

Why Whitney Thore Is My Spirit Animal

If you don't know who Whitney Thore is you need to get the hell off my blog... just kidding. But you seriously need to go check out My Big Fat Fabulous Life on TLC or at least watch a trailer to catch a glimpse of this inspiring creature. If you do know who she is or have now checked her out...please continue and don't get the hell off my blog.

Before MBFFL premiered on TLC I had seen Whitneys viral video floating around. From the minute you see footage of her you can feel her energy - she's intense and amazing. Honestly, her and I are different in a lot of ways and I might even find her a little obnoxious if I didn't have this crazy girl crush on her. Either way, her spirit is inspiring and contagious and there's this fire about her that is just undeniable whether you like her or not.

I am convinced that all girls out there who struggle with their weight, with self love and body image issues and feel held back when it comes to dating, shopping etc are going to love Whitney once introduced to her and this show if they are currently hiding under rocks and haven't seen it. MBFFL covers so many of the issues that I have personally faced as an overweight woman and she is a very empowering lady and role model. She is suffering from a disease she can't control (PCOS) and fighting like hell to love herself regardless and get as healthy as possible. Watching her kick ass and take names makes you want to fight too.

Something Whitney touched on this week during MBFFL was feeling like a fetish. This is something I have struggled with a little and I totally knew where she was coming from. I find it very hard to find guys who are attracted to me and that could be because I'm ugly but I mostly think it's because of my weight. When guys are attracted to me it's wonderful and awesome but when it's this weird like "oh you're big and fat and I wanna rub my dick in your fat creases" kind of attraction, shit gets weird and all of a sudden I feel like an object and not an attractive, desirable woman.

Being a fetish is not something I want to be. Everyone falls into a fetish category - there is literally fetishes for everything - but its not something I'm particularly comfortable exploiting myself as. I want someone to be attracted to me for me or just because they think I'm beautiful or sexy because of not only the way I look but the way my personality radiates and fills their life with sunshine (yeah.. a girl can dream). Ideally a future boyfriend would be cool if I lose weight and cool if I gain weigh as long as I stay true to the girl he fell for in the first place.

Unfortunately I have had an experience with a guy who told me he liked me but if I lost weight he wouldn't really be attracted to me anymore and he would prefer for me to gain weight if possible. Most girls are probably like, "right on, stop complaining and bring on the cake," and i do love cake but to me it was a red flag. This situation for me is no different than someone telling someone to lose weight to be attractive which most people would find a bit offensive. So why wouldn't it be offensive to be told to gain weight, no matter the persons original weight?

Whitney is sassy, self aware and confident - she knows she deserves love and deserves to be with someone who is perfect for her and that is something that I personally could take a lesson in and I think a lot of other people - big, small, male, female, etc - could too. She says so many things that resonate with me and make me think and I honestly think that MBFFL coming into my not so fabulous life was a blessing in disguise - I have a lot of lessons to learn from Whitney Thore.

Have you seen MBFFL? What do you think of the show? Whitney? Babs? Babs is taking over. She's outrageously funny.

Big Love,
Bailey 

Sunday, February 1

No Booze January in Review

Well guys, I made it! Today is February 1st and I made it through a month without drinking. I know for many people it's no big deal but for me, it's pretty damn impressive. I honestly had no idea whether I would make it or not and I'm quite surprised and proud of myself for doing so.

In the past two years and specifically the past year, I've been doing a lot of drinking and a lot of partying. I honestly don't know if I went more than 2 weeks without a drink in the past 3 years and it just became a lifestyle for me. I felt like I had to go out every weekend, I had to always be on the go and it was eventually just habitual for me to go out, just because, not for any particular reason.

I was at the point where if I was stressed, drinking instantly helped and I craved it all the time. I would plan not to go out but then work would be crazy and we would all go out after. The question was rarely ,"Are we going out?" but "Are you coming out with me?" and I'd be looking around for someone to come out with me, convincing everyone I knew to join the fun. And believe me, I was having lots of fun, but maybe a little too much.

Am I an alcoholic? I no longer think so because I made it through the last month without too much trouble but I certainly have tendencies and can see how it could be my future if I'm not careful which is part of the reason I took the month off. Other reasons included how broke I am and the fact that I was spending up to $400 a month on drinking. Had I not given it up, I never would've made it through this month as money is SO tight for me currently. I chose the right month, financially, for sure.

I was kind of hoping not drinking (and not taking part in 3am pizza and hangover food) would take a couple lbs off but honestly I don't think it did. What it did do was give me more time and energy to go to the gym and commit to healthy eating. Over the last month I lost about 6.5lbs which is better than nothing but like I've mentioned, the scale isn't something I'm majorly concerned with.

The best part of taking the month off was just feeling better. I felt generally happier, more energized and confident in the past month. I felt proud of myself and it was really nice making my mom proud because it's something I feel I rarely do. I was able and willing to go to the gym, I was never binge eating on hangover food and then feeling like hell for 2 days, my quality of life was simply better.

Has the month inspired me to stop drinking permanently? Lets be real - that was never going to happen. The point of it though, was to get back to a place where drinking is something you do for special occasions instead of something you do 3 times a week and I feel I'm definitely back in a mindset like that. For example, last night I was suppose to host a party for my friends birthday but because of the storm we didn't. I could've had a couple of drinks of the vodka thats been sitting in my freezer sine NYE but I didnt - even after a long 31 days of not drinking. It really wasn't worth it to just sit at home and drink and that's a really good start. I want to be someone who drinks 2 or maybe 3 times a month not 2 or 3 times a week and before it wasn't even something I wanted so thats progress right there.

I want to thank all of my friends who were so supportive over the last month. They could've tried to force me to come out and drink but everyone was respectful and awesome about it. I kept busy and worked a lot and only had one tiny weak moment where I almost gave in compared to the 10 I thought I would have. The month seemed very long as it went but now that it's over I feel like I could do another month... but who am I kidding? ;)

Have you ever quit drinking, smoking, fast food or something that was extremely hard for you? How did it work out? Let me know in the comments.



Big Love,
Bailey

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